Over the years we are told that ‘motherhood is the most blissful state for a woman. But is it? A new book by journalist Zehra Naqvi re-examines the stereotypes that we hold about motherhood. Released this weekend at New Delhi’s India International Centre, The Reluctant Mother (Hay House India) seeks to open conversations about this complexity and fluidity, so that women do not have to lead their entire lives hiding their true experiences and emotions.
Zehra’s approach to life had been largely shaped by her father whom she describes as an extremely progressive man. “My sister and I were not brought up with gender-defined roles, but from the very beginning, we were taught to dream and rise, to be courageous, and always speak the truth. We were always encouraged to hone our unique talents and abilities. Our father quoted this couplet by Iqbal to us, every day: “Khudi ko kar buland itna, ki har taqdeer se pehle / Khuda bande se khud poochey, bata teri raza kya hai” (Elevate thyself to such a height, that before thy destiny is inscribed/ The Maker himself would ask his slave, what do you wish for me to write.)
Edited excerpts:
What was the catalyst for the book?
It started off as a blog in 2013 when my son was almost a year old. The blog took birth in my mind while watching the film Julie and Julia. As I watched Julie Powell blogging about her life every day, picking one recipe each day from Julia Child's famous cookbook, I found myself identifying with Julie a nd how she felt like she was at the lowest ebb of her life. My life, too, had been flung off-track, post motherhood. A difficult pregnancy had led me to quit my job, and circumstances became such that I had to move back to my hometown, with my partner and I live in different cities. I felt completely derailed and on top of it, completely alone because I was surrounded by relatives and family members who couldn't fathom that a mother might want anything else except the child.
As a society, we are fed on images of women wanting nothing except motherhood, and so I could not find a single person who understood my inner turmoil. This turmoil led me to blog about my emotions and experiences because I needed to put my truth out there. What I had not expected in the least was the stream of messages I began to get, both from Indian women and women across the globe, thanking me. They called me courageous and expressed how they had the exact same emotions, but couldn't utter a word for fear of judgment and shame being heaped upon them. It was these women who began to suggest, over and over again, that my story should take the form of the book because it had universal resonance for young women of my generation--because they all felt exactly what I felt.
Why do you think motherhood needs to be talked about?
As a society, we have placed mothers on a pedestal, glorifying them as goddesses, so that mo thers cannot even speak about their difficulties and travails even in whispers, for fear of being harshly judged, for fear of being called selfish and ungrateful. They are ordered to be thankful for having a child because there are numerous childless couples in the world. But there can be no competition in pain and suffering; there are no units for measurement of pain. Suffering, no matter how small, is immeasurable and incomparable. And therefore, one person's struggles cannot be made a reason to belittle the struggles of another.
It is extremely important to re-examine the stereotypes we hold about motherhood-- because mothers are, in the end, human beings, and must be allowed to voice their feelings like any other human. As Shashi Deshpande wrote in Writing From The Margin & Other Essays : ‘When I became a mother, I found such a discrepancy between what I was told about how mothers felt, and what I really felt, that I was deeply disturbed.' The fact is that motherhood is a volatile experience, full of unprecedented highs and lows. It is full of mixed emotions and inner conflict.
Some might say the book runs counter to theroles defined by biology/nature
It is important to declare that this book is not against the idea of motherhood, nor does it ask women to stop having children. It lays bare the unspoken truth of motherhood and asks the world for greater empat hy, and greater equality for women. It also tries to make the point that parenthood is a progression of marriage, not the purpose of marriage.
As for biology, it is funny how concerns of biology and Nature are only ever brought up as arguments to support patriarchy. If Nature is indeed the true parameter, then the question arises - is it also against nature and biology to limit the family size, because contraception is an artificial concept, not prevalent among animals? The fact is that humans have gone beyond biology in every possible way, even defying gravity by traveling in space. The only time that 'nature' is ever brought out in an argument is to keep women in their 'place'.
How has your spouse responded to the book?
He is a rare and unique man who possesses extraordinary levels of empathy, kindness, and wisdom. The three years after the birth of our son were difficult for both of us, as recorded in the book because circumstances had forced us to live away from each other whe n neither of us wanted to do so. He understands my conflict and struggles perfectly, and has been beside me through the worst possible storms in life. It was he who soothed me and quelled all my fears when I was struggling with the idea of sharing my life so openly. The fact is that he is the hero of this book, and this book is as much a love story of a young couple, as it is a mother's story.
Do you worry or as a journalist curious how your son would respond to the book when he grows up?
I was a bit anxious about how he would respond to it, but sometimes the universe 'conspires' to make things fall in place. In the past year, we have had two new babies in the extended family, and just a week after the launch of my book, my son witnessed the little ones crying throughout the night, and their young mothers totally unnerved and harried and exhausted. He listened to them talking about how difficult motherhood was, and to my utter surprise, he himself came up to me and said with great seriousness, 'Mummy, how difficult it is to take care of a little baby! My aunts are struggling so much! I can totally understand why you have written this book.'
