Women seeking men

Here’s what women mean when applying in the ‘Women seeking Men classifieds’. 40-ish means: 48, adventurer means: has had more partners than you ever will, artist means: unreliable, beautiful means: pathological liar, communication important means: just try to get a word in edgewise, contagious smile means: bring your penicillin, educated means: college dropout, employed means: has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home, enjoys art and opera means: snob, enjoys nature means: bring your own granola, exotic beauty means: would frighten a Martian, free spirit means: substance abuser, fun means: annoying, gentle means: comatose, good listener means: hard to get a word from her, humorous means: caustic, intuitive means: your opinion doesn’t count, in transition means: needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills, looks younger means: if viewed from far away in bad light, loves travel means: if you’re paying, loves animals means: cat lady, non-traditional means: ex-husband lives in the basement, open-minded means: desperate, poet means: depressive schizophrenic, redhead means: shops on the Clairol aisle, reliable means: frumpy, romantic means: looks better by candle light, self-employed means: jobless, spiritual means: involved with a cult, stable means: boring, tall, thin means: anorexic, tan means: wrinkled, wants soulmate means: one step away from stalking, widow means: nagged first husband to death, writer means: pompous.

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Get your bags

A woman gets home slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband says, “That’s incredible! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The wife yells back, “It doesn’t matter... just get out!”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”