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The dreaded moment has finally arrived.
It is that time of the year when the biennial footballing extravaganza seems to engulf nearly every conversation in all social — even quasi-social — settings. It is that time when everybody and their grandmother are writing passionate comments decorated with flag emojis and 25 exclamation marks on social media; what is worse, every temporary casual fan who had hitherto never displayed footballing affiliations seems to have jumped on the insufferable bandwagon that is set rolling every World Cup/Euro, screaming the loudest and going all out with “Vamos, vamos, Argentina!” and “Allez les Bleus!”. And then there are people from certain states who believe that a mere domicile status alone can override trite comments such as “Maradona was a great player”.
Where does that leave you?
Feeling left out of the water-cooler conversations regarding yesterday’s matches? Hyperventilating that all your best buddies have deserted you and become incommunicado for the next one month? Dreading the moment when a pause in a conversation might turn into “So… did you see that playacting by ________ yesterday? Such a diver, I tell you”. Embarrassed about that seedy attempt you made at “fitting in”, which featured a casual comment that Andrei Voronin looked like a pornstar performance-artist, unwittingly revealing your other proclivities?
Fear not, for the solution is in sight.
If North Korea and the United States can shake hands and work towards peace, it’s certainly not too late to do something about this football-shaped inequity in your life even if the tournament is now underway. With a few certified tricks, you can make the transformation from knowing nutmeg as ‘that spice added to overpriced coffees in pretentious hipster cafés’ to successfully pretending to know what it means in a footballing context.
Lo and behold (drumroll)... “The guide to sounding like a football expert TM ”, in order of increasing difficulty:
THOU SHALT AVOID EASY OWN GOALS
Let’s start off with an easy one. If you’re a doting grandparent, a cute child or an attractive young lady, you might be able to pull off a naïve “These players kick the ball around for such a long time just for a single goal?”–type query and elicit a patient response. But the world is especially cruel to unattractive, uncool and grumpy males like me, so it pays to do some basic homework.
Avoid using terms like soccer. Use football instead. Even veteran U.S. commentators sound like really cute amateurs when they talk about the midfield transitioning the ball from the dee-fense to aw-ffense. You should also know by now that some big-ticket names such as Italy and Netherlands haven’t made it to this edition. You can’t rely on old comments such as “Italy has very good defenders, no?” to serve as conversation-fillers.
KNOW THY NAMES
Twenty years ago, you could have been forgiven for not knowing the pronunciations of Sevilla or Juventus as cable TV would eventually enlighten you and spare your “ren-dez-voose” moment blushes. Today, with the Internet, you have no such excuse. Many experienced fans have slipped down the perception ladder with inopportune name-autocorrects, Freudian slips such as Gianluigi Buffoon, Jesper Gronshekhar, and, my favourite, Sheila Ameobi (all true stories), bringing down the façade and revealing one’s fraud status.
DON’T TRIP UP
Take a few minutes to look up a near-certain starter bearing such-and-such a name from the upcoming match preview. Then look up a couple of highlights and proceed to string the two functions together and overuse it in next day’s conversation. Eg. “Such a bullet header by Artem Dzyuba, yaar”; “What a finish by Dzyuba to put it beyond the keeper, machaan”; “I tell you, this Dzyuba is going to be an important option off the bench.”
KNOW THY RULES
The basic rules of football are really simple: the marked playing arena, handball, goalkeeping privileges, ball out of play, foul etc. There is one specific rule that has the newbie fan confounded — offside (no, this has nothing to do with Sourav Ganguly). For generations, fans have been initiated into football-watching groups based on their knowledge of the offside rule. Not anymore. Unfortunately, people are dealing with it now as a 5-mark board-exam essay-type question that can be tackled with a prepared answer. I anticipate a change in the syllabus very soon. Move over, offside rule. For this reason, look up details on the Video Assistant Referee system (VAR), which is going to be the new offside rule. Already having caused quite a kerfuffle in other competitions, it is bound to generate some controversy in the World cup also. The VAR will cause the most rewinding, fast-forwarding and pausing, people scanning the screen for elusive evidence of uncovered ground, since Basic Instinct (a.k.a the moment several generations hit puberty). Master this rule, and you have a leg up over most of your friends. For extra credit, sprinkle the name Josip Šimunić (remember to enunciate correctly) while explaining the nuances of the rule to your dumbfounded friends.
MEMORISE, MIX AND MATCH
Rejoice, all you who have passed through the Indian education system. Who would have thought that all the rote-learning you practised would come to your rescue, that too in a football setting?
Back in the day, a prediction of England getting knocked out on penalties would have sufficed; but England subsequently found ways to get out of the group stage, challenging the fans to come up with newer, insightful comments. Don’t go full-on Ravi Shastri here. A “Whichever team attacks well will win the game”–type comment is bound to get you an eye-roll, at best. Mix it up a little. Combine and confuse. Keep your friends on tenterhooks with comments that challenge their preconceived notions — is this guy / girl good or what?
Combine “I have a feeling that this match will be won based on numerical superiority in midfield” with “Gone are those days where defenders were like Franco Baresi”. Bemoan the decline of the traditional number 9 while saying churlishly “Do you think the English players will get knighted if they get to the quarterfinal stage?”
Having a bank of a few old matches that you can refer to in passing certainly helps — the boring draw (Champions League final, 2003), the great comeback (Portugal vs North Korea, 1966) the ill-tempered match with everything at stake (The Battle of Nuremberg, 2006), the mutually beneficial scoreline (Disgrace of Gijón, 1982), the underdog victory (Senegal vs France, 2002) and the thriller in extra time (Game of the Century, 1970) should let you have most bases covered. Best thing about this tactic is that you can repeat this four years later. If sportswriters can rehash the same content every four years, why can’t you? This trick will make jaws drop around and make people think that you really know your football. For maximum effect, select the right match based on the age group — you’ll get temporal equivalents for every one of these.
If you’re feeling adventurous, sigh wistfully in the company of certain audiences and say: “Just imagine if World War I hadn’t happened, what a team the combined Balkan Peninsula would be”. A word of caution though — this stunt can be performed safely only by professionals. Don’t attempt this if you don’t know much about World War I or a few players from the area. Perhaps you can use it for the next World Cup.
PICK YOUR JOKES WISELY
Part of footballing fandom is the banter, often built on recurring gags and themes. But know your audience in advance. A joke can fall flat if you don’t know the audience that you’re planning to use it on. For example,
Q: Why will the Polish team always have at least one supporter?
A: Because an isolated Pole doesn’t exist!
can work like a charm if you have friends majoring in Physics, but most audiences will groan and avoid you like the plague. Similarly, a quip such as “Did you hear about the Croatian player who didn’t get selected for the World cup? He was Pathetić” will earn you weird glances from everybody apart from your snooty, big-big-book-reading diacritic-literate friends. Don’t be that person.
For most audiences, a simple meme and/or an old joke such as “What is the difference between team X and a triangle? A triangle has 3 points” will work wonders. Perhaps you could observe that saying the name Jakub Blaszczykowski (or that of most of the players in the Polish squad) aloud in public in Gurgaon will get you killed as it sounds like a cussword — you get credit for getting the name right as well. Use these judiciously to get the crowd on your side. You’ll thank me when your hands radiate with pain from the ensuing violent high fives.
Now that you know the time-honoured techniques to fit in at any football forum, it is time to put these into practice and see yourself climbing the footballing fandom ladder. In a few days, you’ll find yourself as the life and soul of the party, with everyone hanging on your every feigned word, lapping up your mesmeric footballiteracy.
