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Quest
War on the home front
RADHIKA SOUNDAR
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When there is conflict between the parents, it is the child who is most affected.
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AP
A feeling of insecurity.
"My parents argue all the time. I can't concentrate. I'm sure to fail if this carries on!" The soft voice drowned the more powerful ones. There was silence as Anagha wiped her tears.
Parental conflict has been viewed as the cause of many serious behavioural and emotional problems in children. During adolescence, the teen's feelings are inconsistent, fluctuating between perceiving themselves as all-knowing and helpless. When there is a conflict between parents the feeling of confusion increases.
Adolescents may show aggression, anger, and uncooperative behaviour because of the underlying distress, depression, hostility, mistrust and a broken self-esteem. They may suffer from emotional disturbance, depression, easy arousal, lack of patience, stress, high level of anxiety, withdrawn behaviour, indecisiveness, sense of inferiority, overwhelming sense of loneliness, temper, lack of friends, hatred. They may indulge in self-destructive acts, be reluctant to go home, and show a lack of confidence towards close and intimate relationships. Their functioning in all spheres suffers.
Being sensitive they assess the conflict situation and may feel disturbed sensing that this might lead to divorce or separation.
Conflict zone
Children perceive conflict about themselves as more salient and, therefore, more threatening. Moreover, they may blame themselves for it and feel shameful and guilty.
More intense conflict, such as verbal and physical aggression, is extremely upsetting because of the displays of anger and hostility. Those who experience negative emotions may engage in ineffective coping strategies like substance abuse, delinquency, aggressiveness and antisocial behaviour, and indiscriminate sexual activity.
Negative parental behaviour during conflict, such as blaming, criticising, or withdrawing from the conflict not only show poor problem-solving skills, but also threaten the child's sense of security. Triangulation occurs when parents' are emotionally estranged from one another, and they involve their children in their distress. Children are expected to take sides and they get depressed, anxious and aggressive. Their parents' pre-occupation with themselves may also cause tension and anger, and animosity between the child and parents increases.
Simultaneously adolescents face disruptions in their normal routines, suffering from lack of concentration in school and abnormal sleep patterns. Some children regress to bed-wetting, thumb sucking, curling up into foetal position when sleeping, grinding their teeth, throwing tantrums and so on. Ideally parents should work out a compromise. Alternately they could go to a counsellor, a spiritual guide, or an objective and impartial elder in the family.
Alternate plan of action
When parents provide warmth, emotional support and maintain age-appropriate expectations, adolescents experience positive adjustment despite conflicts.
Parent - child meetings held to air feelings and reassure the child have been proved successful in making the child feel more secure.
Sometimes it is good to explain the conflict situation to prevent internalisation.
If separation is not on the cards, the child needs to know it so that he or she is not kept guessing.
If the disagreement is over child rearing, the parents must make it clear to the children that they are not causing it, that it is the parents' problem and responsibility to solve it. In conclusion, parents who argue must remember that with teenagers the basics are what count: time and attention, lots of love, peace and consistency between parents.
The author is a counselling psychologist. She can be contacted at Radhika_soundar@yahoo.com.
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