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Fostering the bond of love
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With the incidence of divorce on the rise, a two-day seminar held recently at Emmanuel Methodist Church, Vepery, deliberated on what a happy marriage entails.
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A LITTLE boy asked his father if it was true that married people lived longer. The father replied: "It only feels longer". On this light vein began the two-day seminar "Till Death Do Us Part" recently. The young and dynamic Rev. Arun Andrews from Bangalore and married all of 12 years, was the main resource person for the Family Enrichment programme held at Emmanuel Methodist Church, Vepery. He said most of us want the joy of marriage, but not the work that is needed to make it a joy. A happy marriage entails working at it, on ourselves and with each other. It is not just for returns, but also for the happiness derived from working at it.
"These are days when youngsters believe in the two-party system. Party by day and party by night; when one-night stands and adultery are glossed over. Values have become so skewed." Quoting Stephen Covey, Rev. Andrews said instead of being reactive we ought to be pro-active. Everyday we're presented with different sets of stimuli. The person with the reactive mindset says, "I am controlled by conditions and feelings, am a victim of what am going through." The pro-active person takes responsibility for his choice. "I can choose the way I respond." The imaginary `Pause' button located somewhere near the temple needs to be used often. Pause to think, listen and respond. As Covey's son Shawn puts it, "Count from 30 backwards. This is because counting 10 doesn't seem to help many."
It is good to be a little imaginative, to dream and envision big things in life. Picture the scene: the phone rings, the doorbell jangles, the milk boils over and the child needs help... Do not get hassled, is the advice. It is a good idea to see small irritants for what they are - small. Don't lose perspective of the big picture of life by focussing on just one edge. It pays to remember that the only person you have control over is, er, yourself!
All of us have umpteen concerns, including the vagaries of weather over which we have no control or for that matter, concern over the U.S. President Bush going to war against Iraq. But the sphere of influence we enjoy may be very limited. It is good to know the difference between the two and maximise your inputs in the area where your writ runs!
Marriage is likened to an emotional bank account where you build trust with every investment you make. Every withdrawal - such as rude words or forgetting the gift of the word called `Sorry' - decreases the levels of trust. Carping criticism is another dampener. The story is told of Jack who was forever making swipes at people and their self-esteem. Once when he went to an art exhibition with his wife he began to criticise in the most abusive terms the big picture on the wall. His wife quickly shushed him saying, "Hold on Jack, you are looking into the mirror."
Put first things first. Give the importance and attention due to the spouse. "How long ago was it," asked Rev. Andrews, "since you read a book together or how long ago was it since you sat on the floor with your child and played a boardgame?" "The head of the house is not to imagine that picking up the broom to sweep the floor or donning the apron in the kitchen for a change is a cultural sin! Set aside at least a day in a week for the family and work to keep your priorities in order," admonished the priest.
Marriage is not a contract as viewed by many which, by definition, is time-bound. Hence it is not to be treated as a casual or temporary alliance, but as a sacred, lasting and holy covenant, which cannot be violated - hence the term Holy Matrimony, when the vows are taken in the presence of God.
The Christian marriage vow can be rephrased in the modern times to read as "To have and to hold, to love and to cherish... till divorce do us part", instead of "death do us part", began Rev Michael Peppin on a sombre note. The marriage ceremony is sometimes seen as a purely western concept with its associations of cake, wine, toast and banquet. But it is not so. Marriage is God-ordained. It was He who made Eve and brought her down the aisle to present her to Adam. The institution of marriage is thus not a mere convention or tradition either.
In the 21st century Indian context, there are people who look on marriage as a get-rich-quickly scheme. "How much?" is the first query raised when talks about the Big Day begin, lamented Rev. Peppin who has solemnised numerous weddings.
Underlining the importance of communication, he said, "do not imagine your spouse to be blessed with the gift of ESP". The husband-wife team of Joel and Carol elaborated on the subject of communication. A woman speaks, on an average, hold your breath, 25,000 words a day, while a man mouths only 12,500. Women in general, communicate well (sometimes only too well, perhaps), tend to speak more and their verbal expression is good, it's been found. Words can build, but also mutilate, if one didn't mind one's tongue.
In communication, 55 per cent is non-verbal, tone takes up 38 per cent while content gets a mere seven per cent. Beginning to manipulate your life partner or trying to fit him/her into your own mould is a certain no-no.
Touching on conflict resolution within the marriage set-up, the marriage counsellors recommended the first thing is to admit and accept a problem when it crops up. It does not help to sweep it under the carpet and pretend everything is hunky-dory. The second move is to build bridges — maintain basic communication levels. Third, choose to confess/forgive; remember the partner in life is not your enemy. Fourth is the decision to change and grow. Joel and Carol urged couples to talk to each other uninterrupted, and to listen. And when you express, the tone matters a lot and please use feeling words; "I feel humiliated, I wish you hadn't said that". In a fight, the two should see only the issue at hand and solve the problem, not attack the person or bring out past history repeatedly. Don't let the sun go down before you make up with each other. It will do a world of good if the aggrieved partner decides to correct and change if need be, and thus grow in maturity.
To close on a happy note, Rev. Andrews said when he attended the Golden Wedding anniversary of a retired Chief Secretary and his wife and asked the man if he were to choose a marriage partner all over again, whom would he choose? Without pausing even for a moment, he replied "my wife".
SELINE AUGUSTINE
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