When White House press secretary Sean Spicer lied about how many people attended US President Donald Trump’s inauguration , the counselor to the president, Kellyanne Conway, defended him, saying the made-up numbers were an “alternative fact”. I am delighted to report that we too now have a Kellyanne in our midst, and even more delightfully it’s someone from my own tribe, a journalist. Whatte fun, as they say.
Cleverly disguised as a news report, but also simultaneously distancing itself from the irksome need to defend itself, a recent newspaper article creates a whole new story about the Kathua tragedy , but labels it ‘False News’ and also carries a disclaimer that says any resemblance to real people and events is coincidental. All of which reinforces the entirely intended feeling of watching a fantastic film unfold.
As a fellow writer suggested, the only missing disclaimer was one that explained that the writer was not a journalist at all and any resemblance to one was purely unintentional.
In these Swiftian days, Urban Dictionary often says it best. It defines ‘alternative facts’ thusly: “When you know what you’re saying is bullshit but you’re going to present it as your version of reality anyways, even if it is contrary to first-hand accounts, photographic evidence, reputable reporting sources, and verifiable numbers.” Notice how closely this definition resembles WhatsApp forwards?
I rather like the brave new world of “alternative reporting”. It basically means that in the guise of going bravely where no mainstream journalist has gone before, these articles can travel far, far away, right into a magical parallel universe that’s better than any Narnia. Here, nothing is as it seems. It’s a world governed by exotic laws of physics and biology that we mere mortals know not of. So a rape is not really a rape, bloodstained clothes are not what they seem, nomads and their age-old pastoral rights are ominous fables, and even a murder could just be a manipulated photograph.
Usually, one reaches this multiverse via a portal or a cupboard or a Platform No 9 & ¾, but because we now live in a digital world, it’s all become much easier. All you need is a smart phone and you are transported instantly to whichever version of reality you want. For example, it’s while I was checking Twitter on my phone that I landed in Ughtopia, where rape comes in two varieties: Secular Rape and Real Rape. You get to choose which one you want and as Urban Dictionary explains above, you are not to be stymied by plebian bunkum such as “facts”. There are many versions of “facts” out there and you just pick the set that floats your boat. I have decided that this is exactly how I want to write from now on. Suddenly, vers libre takes on entirely new and exciting connotations. So, if I deeply desire that 5,00,000 people should attend the PM’s speech, I will write just that. If you actually attend the talk and find 5,000 people there, that’s your reality and I don’t see why it must have anything to do with mine.
In similar vein, I will first carefully check to see what the religion of a raped child is. Once I know that, I will decide if it is a rape or not. What the child actually went through is immaterial in my fabulous la-la land; what matters is what I want to see.
If I want to impress my friends, I will say that I had 85,000 toilets built in one week in Namakkal as part of my CSR. As in Birbal’s tale, you are not going to actually count all the crows in the sky, are you? So it’s just my fact against yours, and hey, guess what, I like mine much more, thank you very much.
There’s a saying in Hindi, nakal ke liye bhi akal chahiye — you need to be clever even when you copy. So too if you want to shine in this sci-fi world, and I am picking up the ropes fast. First, I must say things as I see them in my own little parallel universe. Then, I must jump back into the boring universe of people. Here, I must loudly declaim my undying love for Ambedkar, women, progress and puppy dogs, Gandhi, Muslims, crops and farmers. Sometimes, Parasuram’s axe gets in the way, but who said you can get a smart city without cutting down some trees first.
