The first time her boyfriend grabbed her wrists and tried to prevent her from getting out of the car, 35-year-old Priya (name changed to protect identity) was shocked. Though he had always shown anger and claimed to be ‘possessive’, she hadn’t imagined he would intimidate her physically. Yet, she decided to avoid confronting him about his behaviour. “I let the incident go, and he turned up drunk at my house and slapped me some days later,” she says. Psychologists and lawyers tell us how to deal if we’re in a romantic relationship that is also physically abusive.
Don’t let the first episode go
It perpetuates an incorrect notion of ‘romantic’ appeal and acceptance of ‘I love you and so feel free to behave badly.’ Instead, Priya should have pushed back hard right in the beginning, say experts. “Being assaulted by someone known to you is hurtful. But you must react immediately by protesting, and even registering a complaint with the local police,” says Sunita Thakur, Counsellor and Legal Advisor, JAGORI.
Draw boundaries
“Constant belittling and humiliation can be corrosive to feelings of self-worth and independent functioning,” says Rakesh Shukla, Advocate & Psychotherapist, Centre for Psychoanalytical Studies, University of Delhi . This emotional abuse may, in fact, be a precursor to physical abuse, and may stop you from speaking to people, seeking help. So if you feel you are being emotionally abused, speak to family and a few close friends.
Know the law
“Today, the law recognises verbal and emotional abuse, apart from physical abuse,” stresses Shukla. Often, the perpetrator in an intimate relationship appears deeply apologetic and remorseful after an instance of abuse. But that doesn’t change the seriousness of the matter.
Be prepared for emotional stress
Priya did end up lodging a complaint with the local police, but it took her several months to recover from the sleeplessness, depression and anxiety that followed. It’s important for victims to consult mental health professionals like psychotherapists or counsellors, to enable them to figure out steps to be taken. “This helps in identification of patterns, and movement towards confident and autonomous functioning. Emotional work to be done involves recovery of self-esteem, and a sense of trust in others,” says Shukla.
Know a friend who is a perpetrator?
Help him or her find a counsellor, so the person can be assisted to learn limits and to deal with anger constructively. For emergencies, women’s helpline/Police: 181, 1091,1095, 1096.
