A chilling expose of how technology unearthed a secret agent’s identity from Neanderthal paintings

Marseille, France. Daniel Craig was experiencing a free fall five miles above the earth.

In exactly 15 seconds, he had to be in the caves of Santillana del Mar in Cantabria, Northern Spain. He pressed a button on his belt to unfold the Eurocopter, powered by Zorin microchip technology.

Before he could say ‘Oops, wrong button’, there was a huge explosion and he was at the cave in the nick of time.

He struck a neon flare and heard a voice. “Welcome, Mr. Bond.” It was Indiana Jones. “Do you know you are not the first Bond here?” Craig nodded. “I know, I’m the sixth…” “No, you are the seventh — the first Bond came 42,000 years ago.” “You can’t be serious,” Craig raised an eyebrow.

“We used advanced 3-D scanning — and employed digital reconstruction to recreate images,” Indy continued. “Uranium-series technology helps — do you know that uranium decays into a form of radioactive thorium when incorporated into the minerals and...” “But these specimens are too minute to...” interjected Craig, raising his other eyebrow.

“I know, we used Accelerator Mass Spectrometry radiocarbon dating for more accurate answers — we’ve taken all the c14 atoms, you know...” “So what did you find?” asked Craig impatiently.

“See that cave painting there?” Indiana pointed to a painting of a wheel with a man walking in the foreground. “That’s not a wheel. We created a full-scale, digital representation of the cave and used an enveloping media installation — it layers the 3-D laser scans onto the existing image.” Craig shook his head. “But it’s a wheel, see those six spokes...” “The wheel wasn’t invented until 8000 BC. This painting is 42,000 years old. Those, Mr. Bond, aren’t spokes, they are the chambers of the .38 calibre gun — and the man seen walking before them was the first Bond.”

Indiana continued. “He was forever bound to the wheel — so they started calling him Bound for short. Since it sounded so much like Bourne, they removed the u and began calling him Bond. That’s when he began the ‘name’s Bond’ routine. But, with the poor acoustics of the caves, it sounded like James Bond. And that was how it all started.”

40,000 BC. The caves of Santillana del Mar. Q takes Bond to a secret chamber inside the cave. “This is the latest in communication devices — the smoke signal SS C902. You are assured of a signal at all times. Works without a battery. Leaves no traces because it burns itself out…”

“Technology,” said Bond, shaking his head. Q then displayed an ejector mechanism. “This will lift you off your seat and propel you 30 feet across. It comprises desiccated cactus thorns — I’ve hardened them further with a mix of ethylene glycol monoacetate and diacetate. Just sit on it — the built-in ejector mechanism will do the rest.” “This is cutting-edge stuff,” cried Bond. “There’s more,” said Q blushing, “I'm still working on the tiger skin camouflage jacket that can change into a deerskin blazer when worn inside out...” He was cut short by a loud rumble.

“Run,” yelled Q. “That’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter — and he’s hungry!” “Haven't you invented anything that can save us?” “I don't know,” mumbled Q. “There’s the Aston Martin Vanquish, a high-tech cart that can become invisible, but there’s only space for one.” And he dived into the cart. Bond was left alone to face Hannibal.

“It’s nice to have a celebrity for dinner,” purred Dr. Lecter. “Doctor… No!” The screams echoed across the caves for centuries until Hollywood heard them.

The rest, as they say, is history.



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