Finally, a research document on how our sleeping positions are linked to technology

It’s a revelation that has come as a wake-up call — who would have thought that our sleeping positions would actually reveal our technology preferences!

Foetal

Those who sleep in the foetal position were born with a USB cord instead of an umbilical cord and consider themselves to be technology’s children. They are known to worry unnecessarily — has that mobile been charged? What if the laptop performed the ‘blue screen of death’ act tomorrow? They are also known to be sensitive inside and cannot handle any kind of rejection, especially of the password kind. Imagine being denied the pleasure of checking the number of ‘awwws’ that a cute family photo uploaded earlier on Facebook has received — it’s things like this that make them curl up in the foetal position.

Log

The Log people sleep on their sides with their arms close to their body — being stubborn by nature, they cannot tolerate any change in technology. This translates into a resounding ‘no’ to the new Chrome browser that they are asked to check out every time they log into Gmail, and to the latest smartphone that the ads glorify, despite the fact that their ancient Motorola mobile frequently gets mistaken for the TV remote. They are also known to be gullible and often end up trusting Mr. John Smith from the U.K. who asks for their bank details to transfer his entire fortune to them, or Ms. Thandiwe Traore from Nigeria asking for some urgent help as she is stranded amongst cannibals and needs money to bribe them and escape.

Yearner

Yearners are known to sleep on their sides with their arms stretched out — a habit that comes from checking their mails and messages even as they walk. And as their name suggests, they yearn for the latest version of any technology — be it iPhone 6 or Google’s self-driven car. They are also chronic time wasters; that automatically makes them any social networking site’s delight.

Freefaller

Freefallers sleep on their stomachs with their arms outstretched, gripping their pillow — almost as if they are holding on for dear life to what they have. Technology has let them down so many times that they are reduced to nervous wrecks, always anticipating that stinker mail from the client or that disaster call from work in the middle of the night.

So subconsciously, they are forever ready to pick up that mobile from their bedside on first ring, which explains why their arms are outstretched. As for gripping their pillow, it’s a sign that they have spent weary years clutching the printer that typically went haywire minutes before a presentation.

Soldier

Imagine standing in attention — and dropping into bed in the same position. That’s the soldier position, and people who sleep in this position tend to be militant about their technology as well. You’ll never catch them downloading stuff onto their computers, checking out apps for their mobile or looking at online deals greedily for the next best sale in town.

‘Soldier’ sleepers have a tendency to snore because of their sleeping position — if only the technology that was kind enough to offer us a sleep mode could give them a silent mode.

Starfish

Researchers have related the starfish position — where people sleep on their back with their arms spread out around the pillow — to a friendly disposition. Just prop them up in front of a terminal in that very pose and you’ll realise how apt the description is. Sitting with their arms wrapped around the monitor, with their face almost into it, ‘Starfish’ sleepers spend hours on chats and Skype calls, listening to the problems of the world and offering their help.

Note: All sleeping positions are real, but all associations to technology have been fabricated. The scope of this research was restricted to sleeping positions at home — those at the workplace have not been considered.

sureshl.india@gmail.com

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