The wonder of the gay rights movement, beyond the parades and protests that comprise rainbow wigs and placards saying ‘Love happens here’, is the celebration of sexuality. Ironic really, because many people who identify themselves as having a sexual orientation that is different from what is considered the norm, live a lonely life where emotional turmoil, body-image issues and depression are common. “Human beings are tribal—acceptance is a need and the lack of it can produce a sense of anger and hurt. Love and care feed into our emotional security,” says Deepak Kashyap, a Mumbai based psychologist who works on sexuality.
But before someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual or any other type of sexual orientation, comes out to tell the world about it, self-acceptance is important. “Once you have worked through your own internal phobia, when you are convinced you are not a mistake, it is easier to deal with the world’s reactions,” he says. Here, people who have, tell us what they’ve learnt about themselves and those around, and how it has upped their emotional quotient.
Aniruddha Mahale, 29, writer, Mumbai
Mahale says that he knew he was gay between 10 and 12, but “it took me eight years to deal with it and to stop pretending it was a phase”. Internal homophobia, he says, is real, with people questioning themselves and who they are. “It is a struggle and you believe that all your problems are a result of who you are, whether it’s bullying at school or parents not accepting.” He was lucky—though he does come from a moderately conservative family, he gradually came out owing to a supportive family and friends, and has never faced any in-your-face homophobia. “Each time you tell someone new, it makes you feel a little better about yourself,” he says.
What he has learnt: “Worst case scenarios don’t happen to everyone. My sexual orientation has never been a source of family conflict.” He was ready for far-reaching consequences when he came out, but his mother's main concern was that life for him would never be the way it is for other people, with a companion who was easily accepted socially, children and a strong support system in the future.
Lavanya Narayan, writer and actor, Bengaluru
Narayan realised she was not straight when she fell in love with a friend from school. “I started developing romantic feelings for her,” she says. Narayan is pansexual, which means she is attracted to people irrespective of gender. Unlike bi-sexuals, pan-sexuals go beyond the binaries to include gender fluid, trans people and asexual people too, among others. She says. “I oscillate between feeling male and female and it shows in the way I dress a particular day.” It took some time for her to tell her conservative parents. They found out through an article on the Internet and then confronted her. “They know, but they haven’t acknowledged it. Now, since I am getting married to a man who is perceived as male, it is easy for them to do so,” she says, adding that her partner is pansexual too.
The biggest challenge: “Being a queer woman in India,” she says. According to her, far less Indian women are willing to come out than Indian men.
Romal M Singh, 30, stylist, writer and activist, Bengaluru
Duality is something Romal Singh has grown to be very comfortable with. “I am male and female. Male by body and female by heart.” But it wasn’t always this way. He realised he was attracted to boys by his early teens but, “I never acted on it because I was brought up as a ‘good’ Christian boy, who shunned everything sexual.” Besides, he was pretty confused. “I did love a lot of things that were gender-constructed to be female or effeminate. Be it dressing up, or drape(y) clothes,” he recalls, adding that he never disliked the male body he was born in. His coming out was a complex process. “The first person that I ever came out to was me.” Followed by his best friend, colleagues and family. His mother was the last to know. “She didn’t accept me initially, but over the years, we’ve made our peace,” he says.
His hope: Whether it is his gender-expression, or the fact that he continues to practise his Christian faith, he feels he has been judged not just by the world, but also by the LGBTQIA+ community. He wishes the world were a kinder place.
