I am 40 years old and have been married for the last few years. I find a lack of emotional connection with my wife and long to develop one. Is it normal for a male to have this desire?
It must be difficult to share such an intimate space with someone, and feel this lack of connect. A longing for an emotional connection is a human need common to all, regardless of gender. All humans seek a deep relationship, in which they can make mistakes, be accepted and feel loved for being themselves, with their peculiarities. Gender roles have been created by patriarchy and that has played a detrimental role by separating men from their feelings, and has glorified it by calling it ‘manly’ to not cry, feel and express emotions. To know more about this, I encourage you to watch a TEDx talk by Kamla Bhasin on patriarchy. I encourage you to imagine and connect with your vision of having an emotional connection with your spouse. Once you are connected to that vision, share your longing with her. You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that she may be longing for it as well. If you face any challenges expressing yourself, seek further support from a counsellor.
How does one rein in anger and exercise control over one’s feelings?
Our emotions are a way in which our bodies and our entire being tell us about our state of internal equilibrium. This is why trying to control our feelings is not helpful to live life fully. Besides, feelings keep changing very often as we experience life, and they help act almost as an internal thermometer, telling us what suits us and what doesn’t. Anger that lasts more than the moment is an indication that something we are truly longing for is missing in our lives. Therefore, what would be of help is to connect with yourself and to notice what you are wanting more of. Do you want care, understanding, peace? It could take a while to recognise this. So stay with the intent of wanting to know yourself better. Once you do recognise what you want, you will notice ideas emerging about how to make that happen.
Parul Agarwal, psychologist, seekspark.com
