My once-a-year visit to the home town, which is but an extended village, usually comes around the annual temple festival. The bonus is that you get to visit your friends and relatives on the fringes of the family tree. What enthuses, and also confuses, me is not this, but the annual review and verdict that gets delivered during each such visits. The review is based on KPIs (Key Performance Indicators), which haven’t changed in decades. It’s on the parameters of how much weight has been gained or lost, how much the hairline has receded, and how the skin tone fares, all on a scale of 1 to 10. And then there is the impact of these KPIs, which is related to your current job and marital status.
Over the past few years, all my immediate relatives and those on the fringes have given a uniform verdict. I have lost weight as compared to my previous visit. Initially, the verdict used to make me search for the nearest weighing machine, usually the tall weighing machine at the railway station, which invariably gives you a bonus of two kilograms. Then with the advent of more advanced technology, I used to depend on the all-knowing Google, which threw up depressing data on the possible causes of weight loss, such as some auto immune disorders, even a pattern that resembled a crab. It so happened that with each check I realised that I had gained at least 500 gm over the previous year. So why this verdict? Maybe it’s the television soaps they are hooked to.
All my relatives have progressed from a 32 inch TV to a 42 inch one, just because the close-up of the hero’s face wouldn’t fit in the screen. Maybe the other reference point they used, my cousins, was worth looking into. All of them have been getting inflated consistently over the past decade.
And the complexion… oh yes… the verdict is clear. I have steadily lost my skin tone. They compare my skin tone to the look of guys from the film and modelling fields who have been advising men to switch to a men’s-only face cream. The reason is clear, too: my job which entails travel across States, usually covering both the coasts. Oh yes, they do mention it clearly that unlike my cousins and the rest I don’t have an “IT” job with which your skin is protected. I really wish Donald Trump considers this point when he makes H1B visa rules even tougher: he shouldn’t disappoint an Indian mother and gain the wrath of the gods, invoked by unending prayers as well as poojas.
The receding hairline is a given; they have advised me hair transplant as a viable option, since they have lost hope on the remaining strands surviving even a year more. Here their reference point is anyone who has crossed six decades of life. Well, they do give tips too — to grow a French beard which could reduce the glare of the shiny forehead, and that’s how professionals showcase themselves.
So the annual temple festival gives you the time to revisit your KPIs and understand that your ratings are not just set, but even the appraisal ratings can be predicted even before the year starts. At work, there will be a half-yearly and yearly discussion to make you believe that you just missed on the KPIs. With the circle of relatives, the ratings are fixed and so are the discussions. You just need to smile and accept and get ready for the next appearance.
deepakvakkiyil@gmail.com
