The increasing number of divorces is a major cause of anxiety for many parents, and very often at casual get-togethers, the conversation veers round to the cause of such alarming rise in divorce or separation. One of the oft-quoted reasons that has never ceased to irk me is that girls are not brought up as they used to be in the past or as they ought to be. It is lamented that in the past girls were brought up “very strictly” to be docile, obedient, patient, subservient, tolerant and never demanding. Today, they are raised “just like boys.”
Their degree of tolerance is on the decline; they have absolutely no patience, do not make any “adjustments' and have no idea of what it is to be an ‘obedient' wife and ‘humble' daughter-in-law. They question, demand and command. And if she happens to be a working woman, she expects her husband to share domestic chores and responsibilities, and so forth. Such whining and ravings about the bad girls of today and their irresponsible parents are not rare either.
This made me wonder whether girls should be brought up differently. Is there anything wrong in bringing up girls “just like boys”? Shouldn't they be taught to respect themselves, have a point of view and live out the dreams they nurtured when young? Or, should they have no dreams at all other than getting married, staying married and bearing children? I do not know what it is to bring up girls “just like boys”.
If a girl is brought up to respect herself, uphold her dignity, cherish her dreams and be happy, then she will certainly fulfil with élan the roles assigned to her by nature. She should be brought up to be a fine human being, and not a fine woman who can be easily ‘gloved' into the mould prepared for her by social convention. There is no need to train a girl to be subservient, to suffer in silence, to be meek and humble and bear her lot without complaints in order to make a marriage work. Instead, she should be motivated to be a person of integrity, with a keen sense of social values and a sense of responsibility. We should bear in mind that a girl is not a wife waiting to happen. She is first and foremost a human being, and therefore must be brought up to be a good and self-sustaining person.
It also made me wonder whether wedlock is truly marriage or bondage if the wife alone suffers in silence and willingly obliges every single wish and whim of her husband and his family, and endures all humiliation stoically and uncomplainingly. Will there be true happiness in such a marriage? If this is what made marriages in the past work, then they should be called by any name other than marriage.
While still on the subject, there is another question: should boys be brought up as they were in the past. Even today there are parents who send their boys to the so-called reputed schools that are believed to be good, for the fee is sky-high, and daughters to the local school that offer free education. Boys are brought up to believe that they are the centre of the family; that marriage is a give-and-take affair wherein he is the taker and she the giver; that he is the sole consumer in the trade of marriage, and she the commodity — not just the commodity but also a slave who comes free with the purchase. And to think that marriage is the only trade where the purchaser is not the privileged owner!
(The writer's email ID is: joyceejames@gmail.com)
Keywords: Indian marriages, divorce, relationships
Times have changed with women now having a financial independence as
well as an equal exposure to me there is no reason one can expect or
even expect them to retain the same archaic standards that were
prevalent in a male dominated society and thinking... its a flatter
playing field now and women are equal partners in every way... doesn't
make sense expecting them to be the docile underling... wont happen...
Also the arranged marriage system is ok for those who lack any
semblance of an independent streak or individuality.... those who do
really need to find someone they can respect and look up to... If
that's not happening its doomed... I also believe we need to
understand that the need to marry has become something that is avoided
till the last moment... not a path to independence and freedom as was
earlier... The tide is turning....
If the world is increasingly getting filled with the kinds of women
I'm seeing here then I don' want to marry. I can cook and clean myself
and can also do all those traditional man's work. What is the point of
getting married when I'll not be getting respite from such works even
after marriage. This means that marriage is only going to offer me an
increased responsibility. Family is all about different set of roles
assigned to different individuals. It's better to have a live-in-
relationship when nobody is going to compromise and wants his/her own
breathing space.
Both men and women are equal. Both should share the marriage
responsibility equally. Nature has made them so who are we to judge
man > woman. Both are equal.
A thought-provoking article.I hope to see more articles like this to create awareness in the society. I've been an unhappy victim of the phrase "girls have to adjust, boys will be boys" since the day I got married. When the husband is wrong: its humane and it should be forgiven at once by the women and adjusted/tolerated. Nope, Women don't have the right to get angry. When the wife is wrong: she is just WRONG!!Men who think women wanting to live away from in-laws are not doing the right thing: Will you agree to live with your wife's parents after marriage? If you are saying NO its probably bcoz you're worried about how the society will bash at you and you are sure that your male ego will be hurt.Only if you live with your in-laws you might partly understand how a women feels when she lives with your parents..You can confront your parents directly if they interfere in your marriage, but you cannot do that to your in-laws..and there lies the problem.
While girls should not be viewed as a wife waiting to happen, it should also be clear to
parents that no boy or girl becomes a good spouse by default or by accident. Boys and
girls need to be adequately trained in domestic skills during their formative years.
I do not agree with the article completely. To transform the
mentality of masses is a very slow process. To start treating my
daughter as my son, I don't think, is socially feasible in our
culture.
All the TV serials should be banned in the first. Any public media
or events or programs or anything of that sort which portrays girls
as servants or a commodity (negative) should be censored.
Event after doing all such things, I don't think girls will feel as
safe as boys on a lonely street at night.
Hats off to The Hindu for giving a platform to express the
readers'opinoin about marrraige
Yeap,I totally agree with the above comments made by Suhita Chanda.If both Husbands & Wives have good mutual understanding and behave like Good friends then the word 'Divorce' will only occupy a small space in the Dictionary. I believe that The word 'Divorce' which is constituted of 7 alphabets break always a Sweet 'Family', But,unfortunate people remember this word as they forget to remain how to live Happily ........
Yes, a woman is not a wife in waiting.! I shared this on my facebook
wall.! Kudos to you.!
The balance in relationship between man and woman like it or not starts with relationship on the bed. Often discord start when the woman tries to score brownie points over the man by refusing to accede to his requests for happy conjugal relations. The flip side too is true with man always trying to remain on top. Man also expects the woman to meet his unnatural demands or fantasies borrowed from the small or big screen. The woman in many cases behaves like the queen bee and expects the man to slog like the workman bee to bring all the goodies home and keep her happy at all times meeting new new demands with each demand being forgotten after fulfillment.There is need for balance in all aspects of relationship with an attitude of give and take. Expectations from each other should be reasonable which will reduce frustrations. Also necessary is the need to learn from each other steps to improve the quality of life and not stick to ostrich like rigid conventions criss crossing the domains.
The wife's paycheck is necessary to support today's lifestyles. This is where tension begins. In today's competitive society, gaining a good education and employment requires engaging in the free market. The free market, by design forces the market participants to maximize their individual gain - work for a higher salary, better benefits etc. Each of us are 'out for ourselves' in the market. Both husband and wife have to navigate the free market once women entered the work force. This increases tensions since both husband and wife have to be in the 'out for myself' mode outside the home. It is a difficult tension to follow conservative values at home and compete outside. Parents wanting obedient 'bahus' should try down shifting lifestyles that will be easier to support with just their son's income. If you want/need the bahu's income, adapt to the tensions inherent in having husband and wife participating in today's work force!
It should not always be the issue how differently girls are raised now a days. The society is changing fast and so is everyone's lifestyle. Girls are equally independent as guys and hence they are brought up as the same. Instead of making some specific rules regarding how girls are to be raised which might differ a lot from how guys are to be brought up,the parents need to be thoughtful about the future. In office we all work in a team and need to be in a perfect sync always. Then when it comes to family life,why should divorce and break-ups happen? An individual should be treated as an individual. Right from chilhood, he should be taught to be selfdependent. However it becomes the duty of parents to inculcate tolerance and cooperative attitude into their wards. May he be a guy or a girl, if both the persons are like friends and complement each other, then only a wedlock can last. For that,mutual understanding should be the basis of the conduct of a husband and his wife.
I think its time we stop this stupidity about Girls being home makers etc. A girl in India should be allowed to do whatever is that catches her fancy and interests her. Period. We should not have 2 sets of rules for Boys and Girls, whatever be the social implications as this is what equality stands for.
I 100% agree..women should be allowed to live a life where she is happy and live
her dreams. They should be able to choose what she likes to do ...it is not
compulsory that she is a women and she HAS to cook all 3 meals even if she is
working 6 hrs. a day and making as much as her husband. Man comes back home
after 6 hrs. of working and expects that someone should offer him tea and house
should be in 100% perfect condition..keeping the same situation for a girl it is
expected from her that she should be home and straight in kitchen ...why man
can't help her in domestic chores? today I see woman is taking a lot of financial
burden from men then why can't men share the domestic burden with women? I
think one reason for increasing reason for Divorce is that women are brought up
differently but men are brought up in the same way as in the past..things will be
much better if men are brought up in a way where they understand the impor. of
women and are willing to adjust a little.
Old wine in new bottle. one word for your article "over-
generalization". while generalization itself is bad, this article
crosses all limits. My father and the brother of my father went to two
different schools and both have become two different people with very
different careers. So do you see a discrimination there ??? I and my
sister went to the same school though we both are not male, now what
have you got to say about this. And this in your definition "docile,
obedient, patient, subservient, tolerant and never demanding." type of
raising of girl children is not existing anymore, and it is not
happening in most of the families, I would say 80% of the families
dont practice it, so if parents raise girls and boys differently then
what happens in families that have only girl children ???? so if you
found people discussing in parties about girls just fault those people
and not entire society. These kind of people are certainly in
minority.
Our society is evolving from an agrarian economy to an IT economy. Our social models is stranded between the two while our legal framework is woefully stuck to help today's values. The economic liberation has blurred the traditional roles. This article is a reflection of the confused state of values in our present society. A marriage can last as long as both of them respect, sacrifice and trust each other.
Sorry to say this but i think you have written another "male-bashing" article just for catchiness sake. Who told you that only boys are sent to better schools? Boys are brought up saying they are the centre of the family? That is simply not true. I am 27, male, and my mom always lectures me about how not to behave, how not to respond and react in ways that would hurt her not-yet-found daughter-in-law..Selects her jewellery so that it rests fashionable enough for her daughter-in-law.I agree not everyone is like my mom. You are referring to those whining parents who cry about divorces. I m telling you these are the ones who are against inter-caste marriages, make grimaces when it comes to their daughter or son choosing their partner and want their siblings to get married to any-US-groom of their choice, just because they need all their useless relatives to come to the marriage and complain about food.We need to grow up and be the change we want to see in the world.
Truly WTF article!! Boys have to work hard. They have to think of their
family. They have to take care of their bloody life sucking job. They
have to earn lot of money so that his woman can spend on sarees,
chappals, curtains etc. They have to shape the future of their children.
I totally disagree with the last para!!
Nice article, I would like to share my opinion. I don't completely agree that the fault is with men alone. Its a bridge where both men and women have to move towards each other rather than expecting a change in the other alone. Guys have to understand the fact that women have changed & are no longer the old fashioned semi literates. Today women are on par with men be it literacy levels or economic levels & share the same levels of work & stress. Men need to extend a hand wherever they can. When men take pride in cooking food & cleaning dishes at hotels, its perfectly fine to do at home. Women should understand the helplessness of guys as at times they are stuck between 2 women - Mother & wife.Wife expect husband to honor all her wishes as she has sacrificed lot to be part of the family. Mother expects her son to make sure his wife does all the chores & listens to her. Its hard for the guy to take sides. Women should take bear this mind before setting expectations.
Good article.
I agree a lot with the author.
At the same time, I have watched several tv channels interview girls in the age group 20 thru 30.
The question asked: What do you expect from your husband, in laws
The answer usually is: Great husband, good job, easy going, understanding in laws, good education, great job, willingness to respect women... and so on
Somehow none of the girls ever mention what they will do in return:
Things like I will also respect my in laws, husband, consider their opinion and carefully, constructively consider all options before taking any decision
Of course that doe snot prove anything (may be the girls mean it magically without even saying it!!!)
But point I am trying to draw is Marriage involves a lot of give and take and having a broad minded view is essential for either partner
I hope that today's children and the way they are brought up respect this essential ingredient
This is an excellent article. While the whole world is talking and complaining about what went wrong in the way girls are being brought up, it's high time that they start discussing about the responsibility of the boys as well.It's a human behaviour of adjusting and adapting to others and not just and only girl's responsibilities.
I accept this good article up to first four paragraphs and the way of portraying about a lady who propelling trolley equipped with wheels in an ascending hills. The word “Even today there are parents who send their boys to reputed schools where the fee is sky-high and daughters to local school” is not just justified. Modern parents are not showing any bias with their children especially with girls as past generation used to. Nowadays we could see parents are enrolling their daughter even in private Engineering and medical colleges where the fee is so-called sky-high. Also the term “Boy the taker and Girl the giver”. This can be prevented easily even before marriage by girls parents by saying politely that they are not interested in giving any sort of things to boys home. Now It is just in time where Girls are to be respected for her feeling prior to marriage to avoid lamenting situation that may arise from disparity and discrimination between couples.. It is girls parent duty to express about her marriage trade because she too equally studied, high end salary than even males. In my personnel opinion be it Girls or Boys should and need not be suffered later in post marital life and their married life could be saved from being dissolved. If divorce rate is increased rapidly who will take responsibility of tears of theirs kids ..?...!
couldnt it be the girls ego or complex!!!!why blame only boys or girls or parents for maladjustments. it could be from any side! is there no case of husband bashing like wifebeating!!!!!
What does it mean by girls are brought up like boys. Boy or a girl, they have to be brought up as a self-motivated, resourceful, confident and humble human being. Man or a woman, should not move back when it comes to self-respect and thin line between egoism and self-respect should be well-understood. Any relation whether its marriage or friendship, or employee or employer will only stand and have a healthy longing only when both the individuals respect and reciprocate each others need and understand the problems and try to sort it out together. There are certain situations where one person has to dominate the other irrespective of being a man or a woman and the other has to understand or to be silent but only not to complicate the situation before everybody. And in private they have to sort out the issues. At the end the day, relation is what matters. In any relation if there is no respect and understanding, then no point in continuing that relation.Its better to let both go their way
Good article. Women are not submissive even in nature. A female of any species can be extremely dangerous to anyone, even the male of the species when there is a child involved. Thinking that a women are submissive just because they are ready to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of family, is an ignorant attitude. It would do Indian men good to understand that Indian women have come far and need respect.. One can no longer say "boys will be boys". Those days are over.
Dear Joycee,
Your article 'Not a wife waiting to happen' was well-received by my family. I'm a 42-year old with a 6-year old daughter and a 13-year old son and we are conscious of the fact that one's daughters grow up the way we groom them...
Thanks to your article, my family spent the whole morning of Sunday discussing what it means to bring up a child... is there a hidden agenda in the way we bring up our daughters?
Thank you again... your article helped us to pause and think, reflect... was worth it.
I am a man 62yrs old and married for last 33years.I lead a very happy life. I have worked as professional for the past 44 years and retired. In
my view marriage is a sacred life long alliance and it should be
respected.Husband and wife to understand each other well.There should be
give and take policy throughout your life.Adjustments at all
levels.Parents should set an example for their children so that they
will follow it.What else you require in this world?
kudos to j james. the article stops short of one aspect that has bugged our society.
a girl is a girl if and only if she is dumb and docile, fair, slim, never puts on weight, never argues, ever listens,willing to be the unpaid servant of the in laws and to top it all begets a MALE child.
her husband is then happily married.
A topic like this brings out the male bashers from the wood works. Think there is too much generalisation here. Females from privelged families lord it over male servants and people of lesser social status. It is more from sense of power than from any gender issues. As far as male and female are concerned - they are very different, as otherwise, everyone could be just male or female. Females don't mind bragging about how superior they are, when it suits them. At other times they play the victim card. There many marriages where the man, even though physically stronger, is the weaker sex and is dominated y the woman. Mature relationships don't come about by girls being boys, or boys being told to be differnt just so they meet with femal approval. Females are happy with all concessions soceity affords them by virtue of being a woman, but when it comes to othr issues, suddenly they are no more the frail daisies, but want the cake on the other side as well. Mutual respect and value is key.
Divorces happen because the marriage is not working. As mentioned in the article clearly, All women are supposed to be a slave after marriage? Follow the rules and regulations of their husband and his parents? Work, Make babies, Cook, Clean, take care of husbands, kids, the in-laws? Is she a machine? Doesnt she have her own mind? her own dreams of what her life should be? I am glad to see women are walking out of the marriages because simply they are not working. They have a voice, they are educated, they have a say in how their life should be. The "Boys" and his parents need to growup, the community needs to growup, we all have to change our attitudes to reflect the reality. As a kid I asked my mom why she didnt walk away or divorce my alcoholic dad as she had to endure emotional, physical abuse, unhappy life and terrified/scared kids. Her response was, somethings we are not supposed to talk and that is what it is. If it were today, I will get her a divorce lawyer
As a divorced (10 years) Indian male raised in the US, I never was bought up with the 'boys
will be boys' attitude. I think this is the Indian male ego that kicks
in around the early 20's. This needs to be capped and bottled and sent
adrift in the ocean never to be seen again. Too much male ego going around. Indian males are not God's gift to women, get over it...And
this from an Indian guy! ;-)
it is an interesting subject. now a days it is not the boys who take an upper handbut the girls. It will be ideal if both understand each other well. the days have changed. Men no longer keep away from the domestic work.they share everything with their counter parts in life.But girls take it as an advantage and make the life of the boy miserable. it is not surprising that the divorce rate is going up. so long as there is no tolerance and mutual understaning there is bound to be problems.Any problems that arise to be sorted out by them and no third party should be allowed to take a role in it
I would suggest v. madhu to revisit his/her zoology. Moreover, after
all the evolution, it is a shame if we have to resort to the animal
kingdom to attempt to prove a point. For one, animals don't marry. For
another they do not have well developed economies and jobs to do.
Our world has moved from its hunting-mating-killing stage to a world
where intellectual ability counts for more than physical strength in
most cases in the barter for money. In this case it is but, natural
that the imbalance which has been prevailing in society shall be
corrected.
Bringing up boys to be humble, respectful and sensible shall be more
helpful than lamenting about girls being brought up 'just like boys'.
Bringing up boys 'just like girls' anyone? We would have a much more
peaceful world!
in the union of marriage the independence of wife and husband equal,
the dependence mutual and their obligation reciprocal.
Marriage is a bond; a unbrakable chain; a humiliating thing. In a patriarchal society though men gain the assets like a woman (or a female body), gold, and properties there is no true exchange of love. We men also feel caught up in this misery and prefer to have the system changed for better. Living together is one-sided because the women may left stranded with a child (or Children)when men walk out. The society must implement the laws for the strict sharing of property between men and women; parents must not repeatedly "advise" the daughters to "settle" down. So many steps have to be taken immediately to relieve the hardships in our married life.
Awesome article..It struck a chord with me...loved it! :)
Absolutely true.its high time we bring up our children as good human beings and not strong,independant,commanding men & obedient,submissive,silent women.In our society self respect in women is considered as a crime.not only the wife ,even her relatives are considered to be of low status!this attitude must change..or the divorce rate will go on increasing!
I completely agree with Swapna. The "boys will be boys" line is over-used. Women have evolved. It is time for men to do the same. Rates of divorce, child molestation and infidelity are far too high for only women to be to blame. Men NEED to evolve!
It is really interesting to read the article.Here i would like to point out that ,male and female are having entirely different perspective towards life ,If you try to compare them with the same parameters you will not reach any where.Even if you take the example in animal kingdom ,males and females are different there also .males take a prominent role in their life ,whereas females are little submissive , by nature it is like that .But if you try to act against the natural laws there will be problems .If you compare females as commodity and males as consumers we will not reach any where.In other words we can say marriage is not a slavery ,but a compromise between both the parties .
And to think that marriage is the only trade where the purchaser is not the privileged owner! --- That one sentence says it all! But what else can you expect in a patriarchal society. The equality should begin at home.
Girls first should demand parents to ensure proper higher education and career rather than getting married at 22 0r 23. When expense in wedding is sky-high, girls get to compromise with parents for wedding than career investment and with husband for providing home and children than dreams of her own. I hope the author addresses this.
Interesting topic. I wish it could have been a longer article. I am told to be grateful that my husband does any of the domestic chores or child-related work ("My husband cleaned the table once in 14 years of marriage and I still hear about it from my mother-in-law... you are so lucky"). Even women of the same generation as me and with successful corporate jobs/businesses say "That is how men are; you must not expect anything else from them."
I don't think we (my sister and I) were ever told in as many words that we were equal to men, but we seem to have grown up "liberated" and "just like boys". My problem is, if everyone accepts what men do or don't do as "that's how men are", will there ever be change?
Bringing up girls "just like boys" is not the problem. In fact they should be brought up "more than boys". However what happens at the end of the day is the current generation girls want to move out of the house and live away from their husbands within the first year of marriage because they want to have their own career and act like boys. This is where the problem of man vs. woman and boy vs. girl initially starts and gets transformed into a whole different monster in every aspect of their lives. This has become a huge problem for the Indian couples living abroad. Also, boys are not brought up as they were in the past as you mentioned. At the moment, there are highly educated boys who are ready and willing to help their wives in every aspect of married life. If given a chance, man would accept the change to bear a child so there won't be any more complaints.
Your last point on boys not being raised considering the reality of today's world shows the gap between expectations from a marriage for a groom and a bride. This gap is perhaps causing the increased rate of divorce. Rather than reverse the trend of modernity in the girl's mindset, the boy's approach has to change faster. That said, in any particular relationship, responsibility falls equally on both to resolve conflicts with mutual respect and understanding. 'Forward thinking' is not a license to undermine adjustment and compromise in a relationship - whether it's the girl or the boy.
Very well written article. Reminiscent of many a woman's life in reality!
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