While attachments in Indian families are drifting, they are getting stronger in Western societies. In an amazing family get-together in the United States, we experienced the strong bonds of a large family constantly connected and sharing love. The close family ties are thanks to a strong grandmother who dedicated her life to encouraging and providing higher education for her children.
More than the laudable and touching hospitality, it was the inspiring life of the grandmother that moved us. We heard similar stories of attachment from friends in the U.S and we got to experience it ourselves during our recent visit to the U.S.
Our son, Viswanath, in Chicago, decided to marry an American, Diana, a couple of years ago. We had known her during our earlier visits to U.S., but had concerns about family ties, for we had heard that after marriage in the U.S., nuclear family ties are severed. The common perception is that once a girl or boy becomes a major, she or he is fully living on their own with little connection to parents and family members. At the wedding in Chicago, a large gathering of family members from the bride’s side was present.
Then when we had a reception in Kerala, the girl’s mother, aunt, brother and sister-in-law came all the way and participated.
Wedding celebrations aside, during our recent stay in America, we fully realised the folly of our gross misgivings and understood the extended family’s close-knit bonds. While our own societal structure and nuclear families have resulted in negligence of old parents and the increase in number of old age homes, we experienced the American family’s stronger attachments than we do. We were convinced of the strength of their bonding at a get together with Diana’s 88-year-old grandmother, who lives in southern Illinois along the Mississippi river. After the death of her husband Russ in 2013 Mary Bach Wenzel stays in Belleville town, Illinois, all alone.
On her own steam
While visiting the family and touring the native place of Diana’s mother, we attended a family get-together at the house of Russ and Diane (Mary’s son and daughter-in-law) in Frontenac, on the outskirts of St. Louis, Missouri, not too far from Mary’s home in Belleville. Mary, the matriarch, came for the gathering all alone, driving for an hour on a chilly day. She was the apple of the eye of everyone present, which included not only her own progeny and grandchildren but also her great-grandchildren. She was agile and alert, and up-to-date with current world developments. She respects only two great world leaders, Abraham Lincoln and Mahatma Gandhi.
Mary is the mother of four daughters and two sons who are in four States. She has in all 19 grandchildren and 14 great-grandchildren. Mary’s sons and daughters are well placed and they all find time to join together and spend time with the matriarch regularly throughout the year. When her children became adults and went about with their own families, it was Mary’s own decision and she wanted to convince her sons and daughters that she can comfortably live alone.
Of boys and girls
In her youth, though she had secured a scholarship to go to university, Mary could not go as her mother did not permit her. Her brother went to college and he eventually secured a Ph.D. Mary always believed strongly in the power of education and she made sure all her children, boys and girls alike, received the best education. All her six children attended and earned college degrees. She is proud of the accomplishments of her children.
As encouraging as Mary was, she must have also been strict as one of the daughters, Jo, confessed that during her 20s she wanted to test her independence by moving away from her mother’s watchful eye. Jo moved to Chicago, about five hours’ drive away, and she now wishes she had lived closer to her mom. Despite the distance, Jo visits frequently and engages in lengthy, freewheeling phone conversations with the mother almost weekly. Other children also speak to Mary in the same manner. It was Jo who took the initiative to start the tradition of regular family reunions lasting at least four days. This makes the family attachment stronger.
Among those living in Illinois, at least one family member spends time with Mary weekly. She also keeps in contact with all of her children through daily group email messages, which can be simple like “Today is a good day, it is raining here, I’m going to church”, or more complex as when she starts a lively conversation about politics or religion.
Grandchildren will invariably spend time with her and help with household chores. The grandmother never has to be alone; if not family, there will be neighbours or church-friends. While in Indian society we move away from families and get dispersed, family reunions are generally rare and even members of the same stock hardly meet or know each other!
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