“Perhaps there is no greater miracle than finding a loving home for a child who needs one.” - Bill Clinton
Maybe it is the rollercoaster of thoughts that ran through me over the weekend, or maybe the instances of stupidity served in a mega-plate to women in our society, just felt like scribbling down my thoughts on a lazy Monday!
Adoption. I have had some interesting yet most insane conversations on this topic with my folks and friends (let us refer to them as the “squad”) over the past years. So the gyan that women in our society receive from the time they get married: “Do not postpone the ‘baby’ plan; if you do not take it when god gives it to you, he will punish by not giving it to you later.” First of all, yeah, god is so jobless that he is keeping a track of a million women’s fertility cycles and busy deciding the timeline they cross so he can brutally punish them by not giving them a baby?” So every time the squad came up with the ‘oh-my-god’ questions, such as “What will you both do if you cannot conceive? What are your plans later? What if it is too late by the time you guys want to have a baby?” being an impulsive woman, my answer was quite spontaneous: “Will adopt a baby. Duh!” (That is, if my husband and I develop some paternal/maternal instincts ever!) And then the Kathakali mudhra faces around us wore extreme expressions.
And the most popular ‘reason’ the squad comes up with, “Why should you adopt when you can produce one?”, also led to questions about the religion and social background of the adopted child. The arguments these people can come up with are quite ridiculous, especially when they are themselves not sure about the authenticity of these arguments. “The blood relation” is at the helm. (Do not know why people are so obsessed with blood; please donate some rather than accumulating it.)
For the sake of the squad, let us quickly glance through the blood relationships in the history of religions. Jesus and Joseph. Oops. Pass. Lord Krishna (born to Devaki and Vasudev, but adopted by Yashoda and Nand). Uh ho! Socially unacceptable or embarrassing act? When will these naïve people realise that all the parents adopting a child and nurturing them are equally or sometimes more respectable and loveable than the ones who have actually given them birth.
Need more examples from a modern point of view? Augustus Caesar, Steve Jobs, Rajesh Khanna, Bill Clinton, Nelson Mandela, Marilyn Monroe, Leo Tolstoy... So if the so- called “blood” that the squad talks about really mattered, would these people achieve what they have in life? On the contrary, you name a negative character in mythology or in real life and I am sure 99% of those would be biological children brought up in a negative environment or negativity being passed on in legacy.
Assuming one passes this barrier, it leads to the next one: “How do you know what sort of “criminal” blood these kids might be carrying? They might just stab you and leave with all the wealth.” Yeah, the statement that usually leaves the sane dumbstruck. Do you ask this question when you meet with an accident and take blood from a donor/blood bank? Oh, you just need to save your life; be it criminal blood or pure blood. These sort of arguments or schools of thought are rather stopping us as a society to embrace the poor small children who might have been dumped or have been a victim of fate. Don’t these kids deserve love and affection? They are being kept away from a life which they can avail but are unable to because of the social taboo being created about adoption, and the backlash the parents have to face, who have been bold to sail against the social tide. Trust me, all that matters is the upbringing of the child. The religion or social background of the child does not matter – what matters is how they are brought up, the values that are instilled in them, and the change these little ones will make in the future generations.
Also, not all adopted children are a second choice. I’ve personally never had any desire to be pregnant or give birth till date. I also feel that with nearly 7.5 billion people on the planet already, I would be a lot more comfortable adopting someone who’s already here than adding another to that huge number.
And the couples who genuinely cannot conceive are directed to expensive medical treatments and even religious retreats by the amaze of intelligence of this “squad”. And the child is guaranteed? Hell, no. Bank balance for doctors and emotional stress on the couple guaranteed? Duh!
“Why a girl child?”
When I talk about adopting a girl child, I do not mean to discriminate between a boy and a girl, or value a boy lesser than a girl. People, including myself, always talk about equality, and if we value a girl more than a boy, or vice versa, technically it would be sheer hypocrisy. But if there is an emphasis more on adopting a girl child through various campaigns or documentaries, then it is probably because there is something seriously wrong with the mentality of the common people who build this society. As simple as that! As a child my dad was raised in a kind of environment where girls weren’t given privileges such as getting higher education. But such an environment didn’t change his basic self. He grew even sensible and believed exactly the opposite. He believed so truly in his girls that he fought all odds to make sure that both of us have something that no man can take from us: education and good values. So it boils down to this; either you adapt to your environment or you revolt against it. Fortunately for me, my ‘Superhero’ chose the latter, setting major parenthood goals for people around.
Let us accept the simple fact that in India it can be true that families favour sons over daughters. Because, unfortunately, these people have put the horrific norm of the ‘family line’ passing through the son. When the son marries, his wife becomes part of the family, but when a daughter marries, she becomes part of her husband's family (leaving her family, symbolically or in actuality). Many Indians do not have retirement pensions or plans, and so rely on their sons, who will always remain part of their family, to care for them in their old age. And wives’ parents, well, if the husband has a good enough heart or if the girls’ parents have saved enough sensibly, they are saved from a disastrous old age. (But women are to be blamed for not taking a stand; which eventually points to their own parents to put such horrible thoughts of sacrificing and serving your ‘sasural’ and forcing the mantle of being a ‘sanskari bahu’. )
Do I have to explain further why the ‘squad’ is against adopting a girl child? But this is changing in India as more women have careers, and equality for the two genders has become closer. Young men also have the clarity in their head to respect and give space to their wife and her family. So, we are headed towards a brighter future (fingers crossed).
Along with a big salute, I dedicate this piece of writing to all those ‘parents’ who have stood against the social tide and are giving all the love and values to their kids – loving them, nurturing them and making them responsible adults. Please, guys, let’s grow up and stop social tabooing of adoption.
And to end with, a quick note to these awesome parents: Let us have the perspective in place and stay a little away from all the so-called Squads: “You are not ‘saving’ the little one, and do not expect the little one to be grateful. He or she is just a part of your family. As a parent, please let the child know it is okay to talk about their feelings, hopes, and questions. An adoptive child looking for their first family has nothing to do with whether or not the adoptive parents are good parents — it is natural for the child to want to find out facts and see people to complete their story. And they should be able to do so with your loving support. But whatsoever said and done, a big kudos to you guys. Thanks for believing in Humanity.
ninitha.jayson@gmail.com
