There was a time when brevity was the soul of wit. Then 160 characters became the soul of brevity. Now, in the wake of people abandoning Facebook like a sinking Titanic, Instagram biographies — that little bit that goes below your retouched smug shot which, by the way, looks nothing like you ever did in real life — are the new form of self-expression.
I used to like social media, it was a happy place. It was a lieu where I could enjoy the best of all my friends but in a measured manner; a pinch of that cantankerous chap, a generous dash of her, a large serving of that funny school friend, and a heaped dose of that one’s bikini-only album from Goa. Just like a precise recipe, it was perfect.
But then, power found a way to corrupt that petri dish. People started sizing up each other based on how many followers they had. The whole world came to hang by the number of ‘likes’ you could garner for your last update. Consequently, posts started being less real and more surreal, an imagined Utopian reality that we would protect, likening it to a quotidian curse. People would pose in lounge chairs on the most pristine of beaches with an expression that can only be imagined on a woman who has just found out that her diamond is but the second-biggest in the world. I saw men flex muscles and suck in tummies to a point that they risked popping a vein, but then played it cool as if that’s how they normally appear.
Why? I know ego is a fragile entity but this seems too delicate to be healthy. Even Sri Sri Maganji, who likes mirrors and talks of Himself in the third person, is not vain enough to take a selfie. Nevertheless, He is not here to correct your ways, it would make His world a lot less laughable if you were to behave normally. So, by all means, continue to post pictures which are completely professionally composed and yet made to appear oh-so-nonchalantly candid, but please, for your own sake — to salvage the little self-respect that may still be festering within somewhere — avoid using these words in your brief bios.
1. Visionary: Unless you can take on Osho or Charles Manson head on, match them disciple for disciple, belief for belief, you are not a visionary. Steve Jobs, too, was just a businessman.
2. Award-winning: While self-love is all awesome, you shouldn’t be the only one lauding your achievements. Parents don’t count. If you can find one more person to get behind your accomplishments, why sir, you are on your way to becoming a visionary.
3. Famous / Celebrity: Once again, if you have to say it, then clearly you ain’t.
4. Humble: Humility is like innocence, the minute you know you have it, it turns a depreciating resource.
5. Influencer: I always hear this as influenza, and why not? Most people who claim to be one on social media are like a viral infection, hawking some product or another. Now I am not against putting yourself out there — we all have a price — I am merely sour that it isn’t me making all the moolah for simply uploading crap that even I would be hard-pressed to buy into.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
