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Updated: July 23, 2012 15:45 IST

The Aamir Khan Column: More honour in love

Aamir Khan
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Aamir Khan.
Aamir Khan.

Ironically this is the one freedom that we specifically do not give to our young.

I must confess that when my team and I met to finalise the 13 topics for Satyamev Jayate, I wanted to drop the one on “intolerance towards love.” I felt there were more important issues facing society. But I was in a minority, perhaps a minority of one. I was beaten down by most others in my team who felt differently: India is changing; a vast section of our population is young, and young people need to have the right to make their own choice, and are beginning to assert themselves like never before — from Kashmir to Kanyakumari, urban, rural, this is an issue that every household is facing, or will face in the near future. I laid down my arms.

So what is love?

An endless number of poems, songs, stories, novels, essays, films and plays have been dedicated to love. Each one of us has our own interpretation of love, and to different people it means different things, but few can perhaps disagree on why it probably exists in the first place — for procreation. Of course there are different kinds of love, but right now I am restricting myself to attraction towards the opposite sex. Attraction towards the opposite sex is perhaps the first step towards procreation, and therefore, it should be quite clear to us, that love is essential to our very existence. It is what nature intended. Isn't it strange that, despite this, most parents in India are most alarmed and disturbed when their children fall in love?

Probably one of the most important decisions in your life would be whom you chose as your life partner. This one decision will decide the fate of more than perhaps two-thirds of your life. It will decide how happy or sad every day of your life is. It will decide how exciting, enriching and fulfilling, or how dull, boring and insipid your life is. It will decide who your children will turn out to be. It will decide how safe your life is or how insecure or sometimes even dangerous your life is. Isn't it strange that 90 per cent of us in India don't take this one most important decision ourselves? Instead we leave it to our near and dear ones, who, no doubt want the best for us. But why should we leave this decision to them or to anyone?

“I know what's good for you so shut up and do as I say” is one of the scariest lines I've come across. I can understand that elders are concerned about their children and want the best for them. But do you want the best for them, or do you want to choose for them? If you truly want the best for them, you will encourage them to decide. Marriage is an important decision, and like every other important decision of your life, it should be your own.

I think there is merit in the advice that elders have to offer and certainly the young should make full use of it. Why not learn from their mistakes? And certainly, our elders have seen much more of life than us.

But if this one decision is going to impact me in such a deep and essential manner, shouldn't I have the freedom to make that choice? Ironically this is the one freedom that we specifically do not give to our young. In fact we diligently guard against it. Why are we so frightened about our young falling in love? I should think we should be worried if they don't! When I think back of the delicious joy, and the tender and delicate emotions I felt when I first fell in love, I look forward to the day when my children feel the same agony and the ecstasy. Why on earth would I not want my children to feel something as beautiful? Each one of us has felt this feeling, no matter how conservative we are today, no matter whether we are ready to admit it publicly or not. Then why deny our young that essential and primary emotion that nature intended for us to feel? Doesn't it make more sense to share in their joy, support them to make the right decision, allow them to share with you their hopes and fears, and be there to guide them when they need your help?

A number of us are willing to accept a young male member of our family falling in love. But when a young girl from our family decides to assert her choice we suddenly experience a “loss of honour.” Why does our sense of honour rest in the sexual or emotional freedom of our girls? Shouldn't it rest in our behaviour, our ethics, our values, our character, our honesty and our sense of integrity? I guess a number of issues in India finally boil down to our patriarchal thinking, and our inability to allow our women to be empowered, in fact, our specific attempt to take power away from them.

May be our young can teach us to feel differently.

Satyamev Jayate.

(Aamir Khan is an actor. His column will be published in The Hindu every Monday.)

More In: Columns | Opinion | Comment

Perhaps there is a reason it is called "Falling" in love! When people discover they can "rise" in love, there may be hope for a life together with someone else. Marriage is an overrated institution, which makes unnatural demands on most people.

from:  B S Kumar
Posted on: Jun 9, 2012 at 17:58 IST

All is well that ends well. But in love and war more often than not all is well and good in the begining and ending must be bitter, ugley, and at times vulger as well. But without these two love and war life becomes utterly boring and terribly unbearable.

from:  Sushil Kumar
Posted on: Jun 9, 2012 at 15:32 IST

There were fewer privileged ones in earlier India who could marry their love. The civilization didn't collapse then. Life still went on. Marrying in love is related to self assertion of individuals, which is more prominent in societies that provide them economic independence. But then divorce is also a manifestation of self assertion of individuals, which would inevitably rise when more love marriages occur. The proponents of love marriage must accept this fact and not look upon divorce as a taboo then.

from:  Rohit Srivastava
Posted on: Jun 9, 2012 at 02:00 IST

The main point, that you left in the middle 'procreation'. Every parents just afraid with the future of their relation-ship. We are young but actually we are not so much mature, to take decision for our self. The meaning of LOVE is very much known to young generation.

from:  Rahul
Posted on: Jun 8, 2012 at 12:03 IST

As a child falling in love is different thing and getting married with your own choice is different thing.. and the charm of love remains in fear specially in Indian culture otherwise if you talk about west you know grim consequences of 'Love Without Fear' certainly you won't wish to listen from your children saying to you "Dad, please remind me to keep condom I may need as this is my first date". Yes, awareness required for most of the parents in India as they should seek approval of their daughter or son for choosing their partners with 100% freedom.

from:  Syed Naveed
Posted on: Jun 8, 2012 at 02:54 IST

Dear all Puberty and sexual desire thereafter is blind and can be triggered easily through TV, cinema and free mixing of boys and girls. At the first opportunity the young boys and girls might lose their virginity, which they might regret but cannot regain. Later they might go after it frequently too if their family culture is helping it and that is the starting point of ruining personal dignity, integrity and degradation of a society. With the change in our culture in India where mixing of the boys and girls cannot be avoided, it is most important that the parents educate their children at that stage of puberty and place the importance of controlled and legal sex in married life and its importance in shaping up their own life bringing up their future family in a respectable and secured manner. Here the parents should not shy away to advice their children but act like friends to them, so that their children feel free to discuss their personal issues in this regard. While I admit love is a natural phenomenon but at that young age of boys and girls it is not matured and could be blind. While marrying the children parents should obtain their approval and provide a chance to see each other and know about their status, character, personal behavior and dealings. Parents should never enforce their life partners in marriage of their children but obtain their approval and entertain and discuss about their own personal choice and opinion too. To make this happen it is most important that the parents themselves set a living example before their children and have a friendly relationship with them.

from:  Abdul Gaffar M Anwar
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 20:21 IST

Aamir Khan has mentioned that 90% of people in India marry according to wishes of their family. But he forgot to mention one thing that it is only because of Indian Values that the divorce rate is minimum in India (if we compare with the rest of the world). In west everyone marries according to his/her wish. Then why do they have such a high divorce rate ?? India may have many social problems and we must solve them. But please don't spoil this great Indian family system.

from:  Sahil Bansal
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 20:04 IST

I wonder why no one is considering candidature of Aamir Khan for the upcoming presidential elections. It is not mandatory for presidential candidate to be grey-haired, thick, or ugly.

from:  Venkat
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 17:31 IST

Here is my life story. My parents had a love marriage that never worked. I studied the causes for failure. I had a love marriage too. Decided to avoid the mistakes mom made. Rarely asserted myself. Realised was being taken for granted by husband and kids. So started asserting myself at times, marriage still going well. One day my 16 year old girl declares she is in love. All I do is ask to meet the guy, convince husband to accompany me, and tell the couple to wait for a few years become graduates at least and then think of marriage. But the couple did not wait and got married as soon as the girl was of the magical age of 18. The girl is a housewife having scored 1st class in class 10 and 12, guy works in some photo studio, they dream of an elite life but have no funds. I was NOT against love yet I have to see my daughter impoverished. I guess it is not love that the society is against, it is against such headstrong decisions by immature people in love that needs to be restrained.

from:  Mrs Patil
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 17:17 IST

There are two components here in my opinion - 1. The system can support Inter-religion and inter-caste marriages to only an extent by ensuring the law and order is strong such that entities like police and Khaap panchayats dont allow opposing parents / elders to twist things to their favour. Law and order cannot however, prevent social ostracization. So that will stay for at least this generation. I mean,as example, a police guy who files a false case against a 21+ year old boy for kidnapping a 18+ year old girl is doing right as far as he is concerned and maybe getting a little kickback which he thinks is fine - how will you prevent this? 2. Better education of all going forward and people being more broad-minded and being able to focus on their own prosperity will reduce their latching on their social insecurities. That will bring down such mindsets. However, encouraging immature 18 year old girls and 21 year old boys to get married just because they are infatuated won't work either.

from:  Alok
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 16:13 IST

In traditional India , the thought of we youngster's choosing our life partners is a bad dream for our parents. The first reason for this is that our society has caste system and here people do not wish to look beyond that. Our parents think that if the girl will get married in the same community then she will have a good and secure future. We as a youngster should first try to deal with caste system once this issues is being resolved things will surely change. Also, we youngster should start acting little responsible towards our life while choosing a life partner. Apart from love there are many other factors which matters. If we consider those factors also then our success rate of love marriage will increase. If we add little bit of practical aspect while choosing our life partners then the chances of a failed marriage would be less. The decision of choosing a life partner should be an amalgamation of an youngster's and his parents decision.

from:  Priyanka Tripathi
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 14:51 IST

People like Amir can even commit murder and easily escape the law in our country,whereas in a western country you can't even get a driving licence even if you can bribe one billion dollars.So simply money is needed as a third important pillar for Indian marriages.If you don't have money your life will get bored in the early part and than it will become miserable to an extend that your marriage collapses.So love. sexual compatibility and more importantly financial stability is important for poor Indians like us in marriages.I think people like Amir cannot generalise his view on all of us as only 100 or 200,000 people only will be fortunate like him in our country.For vast majority of us the daily living itself is very difficult. But at the same time religion, belief in God, caste, creed etc. will not be a problem by and large. The only thing is our ugly Indian society will neglect you if you do inter caste marriage but the couple can still live happily and we can equally neglect them.

from:  R.Manivarmane
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 14:46 IST

People like Amir(probably 0.001% of our 1.2 billion population is rich like him) can marry a girl if he loves her and satisfied with her in sex because money is not a matter for him. Both love and sex can keep the marriage alive for few months and upto the maximum of 2 years. After that the real life starts where money matters more in life.For basic things like food, water and cloth we need money. Slightly above the basic like education and medical treatment needs money in our corrupted country.In western country where I live Amir formula can work simply because govt. gives you a decent house if you can't afford. They give reasonable money for all essential things including for recreation. The poorest of the poor children study in the same school of your children and if they arrive to the hospital 5 minutes before you they get the treatment first. But in India everyone of us know the situation.Continue in next.

from:  R.Manivarmane
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 14:37 IST

Love is an essence of life.But there is different between a dad loving his children, son loving his mother, a cousin loving his brother and love between opposite sex (But in LBGT community it may be of same sex). In the former loves sex is not involved but in later sex is an integral part.I believe Amir is speaking about the love between opposite sex for further relationship and eventually end up in marriage.Once you love someone than you will engage in sex.but there should be compatibility in sex, otherwise that marriage will fail. Sexual compatibility is similar sexual interest and attaining orgasm more or less simultaneously. Even if you deeply love your partner if there is no sexual compatibility that marriage will fail leading to infidelity etc.Now you love your partner and has sexual compatibility can you marry them. You can't if you are an average Indian like me and majority of us. Continue in next.

from:  R.Manivarmane
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 14:28 IST

Could relate to this one. Have faced this when i was in college. But
thankfully by the time it was time for me to marry and settle down, my
parents respected and trusted my choice and i find them now more
liberal towards my sister who is 9 years younger to me.Easier said then
done, waiting to see how my reaction would be, wen someday i find out
about my daughter's love . Lets see wats happens then

from:  anita padman
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 12:18 IST

In our country peeing in the open (in public) is ok but kissing in the open invites scorn and disdain. I am not supporting the concept of public display of affection (a euphemism) . I am just questioning the so called 'culture protectors'.

from:  Aakash Sapru
Posted on: Jun 7, 2012 at 11:42 IST

I have seen parents watching and enjoying romantic movies . Never would you see parents walking out of the theatre until the couple kiss at the end. They wouldn't bear to watch the same in reality with their children..why? They always wanted that happy endings in the movies but not for their own children !!!???? Further Aamir did not even dwelve into inter-caste and inter-religious love and marriages.

from:  Balaji Selvaraj
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 22:57 IST

As far a inter-caste marriages are concerned there must not be any problem in accepting it but inter religious marriages will never be accepted by the society as there are various factors which really work against its mechanism.

Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 22:13 IST

Please let me know why my comment was not published, where I said, "there are lot of love marriages, which are based on belief that if one converts and marries a person from other religious community, he/she gets after-life benefits".

from:  madhu
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 21:41 IST

You have done great work to highlight this problem .... Kudos!!!!! . Our country should follow matriarchal system for the betterment of our society. Vande Matram

from:  Rishi Pateriya
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 20:03 IST

The last sunday episode on love has highlighted the pro and cons of the love.I think in any society one has the full power to express himself.What is bad , if an adult boy and girl fall in love and decide to live together?Parents are there to guide them,but at on cost they should force them to accept their advice. I fully agree that in most of the state of India ,this khaps, gram panchayats and so called orthodox do not understand and consider as social evils. Due to which the girl ratio in our country is below the average ratio.The inter cast marriages should be encouraged which will decrease the dowry cases and leading reducing unnatural deaths of young girls etc.This is our feeling that these cases are more prominent in the rural sector ,but this problem is more aggressive with the influential and rich community .But it should have a matured decision but not go in to the casual approach or flimsy love .

from:  chaitanya Agarwal
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 16:08 IST

Great work by Mr. Amir Khan and his team in choosing this topic and portraying it so well. Parents need to understand the sentiments and feelings of their children and should support and respect them. What lacks is the amount of exposure which is not letting the social dogmas go away. People are still engrossed in age old phenomena of caste, religion, society, family status, untouchbables, or even skin colour. They should start thinking by overlooking these petty things and considering humans as humans.

from:  ankita
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 14:33 IST

To CVM Singh and others who call marriage between youngsters of the same 'gotra' as incest, you might want to use your rational mind. Gotra is all nonsense. There is no scientific basis for this.

from:  Ec Krishnaa
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 11:40 IST

falling in love implies we are close to the best decision for marriage and future life of ourself as well as of children, so fall in love. This is the essence, so simple. I was fallen in love with some girl but I never told her. Now I got married to somebody else, so my life must be ruined.Aamir, Is it true?

from:  ashutosh sharma
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 11:32 IST

In the days of child marriage, it made sense for parents to choose their children's spouse. In the modern age persisting in this practice is not really needed. When parents insist on choosing their adult children's spouses, there is definitely a power play involved. I am hard pressed to understand how a parent's choice of a child's spouse has any better chance of success, as opposed to a child's personal choice. In India failed 'love' marriages are taken note of and held up as examples of what not to do. Any one heard of parents taking responsibility for a poor choice of a child's spouse? If a marriage of a child's choice fails, it is folly, but if a marriage due to parental choice fails, it is your fate? Readers talking about parent's sacrifices etc. entitling them to choose a child's spouse -whatever happened to unconditional love for your children? Sad to say but parental meddling in their children's marital choice is more often than not , is a naked grab for power.

from:  Swathi
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 08:51 IST

Love and the opposite sex is still pretty much a taboo in the Indian society. How many parents apart form a certain section of middle class, the affluent and the elite are actually going to give their children the privilege and freedom of choosing for themselves? Are the protective and paranoid parents of girls actually going to give their girls that amount of liberation without any taunts or names and bad image? I am a 20 year old girl and I come from a very academic and a reasonably outgoing family, but, will a TV show or people discussing coming out to make a difference, influence and affect their values and beliefs or what my parents think? I don't think so. I really appreciate and respect the efforts Mr. Khan is making, maybe not everyone, but someone, might change and the vibe of change will spread around and make a greater change.

from:  Zohra
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 03:00 IST

Love the most precious gift of god which can be felt in all kind of relationships irrespective of it being congenital like father-son,freind's or between a girl or a guy which is much above the shadow of infactuation. Love never sees bars, castes religion,gender it just happens. Like all the other relationships we (even as being parents) should accept it with our assent giving equal rights to our chlidren(boy or a girl) to search their soulmate.

from:  sneha
Posted on: Jun 6, 2012 at 01:44 IST

Parents in our country still see love marriage as a bad and evil thing. They wish to see their kids marry according to the likes and dislikes of their parents and if their kids don't listen to this one aspect, they tend to brand them as thankless and disobedient children. I think, its high time that parents should restrict themselves from imposing their choices on their kids. Like Amir said, Marriage is an important decision, so allow the youth to take this decision themselves. Parents should help their children to make wise decisions in a positive way.I belive the children who take care of their parents when they need care and affection would be the true blessing of any parent, irresepective of their choice of a love marriage or arranged marriage.

from:  Praveen Koshy Vaidyan
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 23:10 IST

The issue is being looked at very superficial level. Can Aamir define what is love? Can it be equated with physical urges which youths feel when puberty arrives? Or is it something more deep and selfless? Aamir is trying to take easy shots at defining the problem, and more so trying to suggest a solution. He needs to look up to the West, where individualistic experiments in love and sex at young age have led to societal disaster. But Alas! He never pointed that out. We need to wake up and look issues in more holistic manner, rather then bashing up our parents, our elders for opposing our sensual and emotional frailties which take the name of love.

from:  Sagar
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 22:56 IST

I can understand that even the very respectable newspapers, like The Hindu, has to take some sort of steps for commercialization in order to stay in the competition. But its my sincere suggestion that such columns should be a part of the Life and Style section rather than the Opinion section, because I think that the later should be dedicated only to socio-economic analysis by the respective experts, rather than the love teachings by some bollywood star, who does have a very successful love life in terms of the numbers of marriages and affairs. I have not read these columns but if they are about what they say in the subject line, I should inform Mr. Khan and The Hindu that he should be the last person writing about them in this paper. There are many many people who deserve and actually respect this particular space but are not allowed because maybe they don't posses the tiniest bit of the glamour that Mr. Khan has. Please don't abuse the glorious tradition of this historical paper.

from:  Kongkan Saikia
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 22:35 IST

A boy at the age of 21 can Never decide his life partner better than his parents.I have seen this with myself and with 100s of friends i know.

from:  Vishwas
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 22:02 IST

Sathyameva Jayate has been trying to portray some of the real issues Indian society is facing today.As everyone has agreed its high time that we change our mind set.Marriage is not just a function attended by relatives and friends, it a contract for life.. two people are going to live together henceforth and its a matter of their life, their existence. Young generation should have the freedom to choose their lifepartners and the society have no right to decide on someones fate or life. Its often found that those people, who are keen in poking their nose into others personal matters like marriage, wont be of any use when it comes to a financial problem or a health problem someone faces. The society should understand that we have more worse problems to resolve than just a decision on whom someone marries. Many a times a young girls trapped in the name of love. Why doesnt society respond to such issues? why doesnt the local governing bodies take action against such issues?

from:  Sarada Lekshmi K R
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 21:24 IST

For an actor its easy to say and do than one normal sub contienent person jai hind, jaye pakistan.

from:  Ali Tanoli
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 19:19 IST

There are two sides to the issue raised, one is that yes a grown up kid above 18/21 is free to choose a life partner & no body can force them,
but the other side to it is that your parents also love you, they had
sacrificed a lot for you, can't we sacrifice our love, for our parent's
love, can't we do this much for their sake, is love with your life
partner bigger than your parent's love & affection.

from:  Mohit Chaturvedi
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 19:16 IST

I think everyone has the right to have their opinion.But at anycost we should not compromise individual human rights. In that case any adult has the right to fall in love and to have sex.Sex is a natural physiology which one can't avoid and it is an essential part of the life to sustain a species growth. I don't know why people talk about status, education, salary and all in that natural process. Any 2 individulas should have the ultimate freedom to share the bed if they like it.But as far as marriage is concerned in a country wher money is so importane one has to think not twice but thrice or severaltimes whether marrying him or her will fulfill the needs of life. If a girl or boy marry a partner who can't support their life than life will be miserable in this money minded country. You can't educate your children, get proper treatment for illness and so many things in life.If one is really well to do they should marry a poor so that inequality in our society will disappear.

from:  R.Manivarmane
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 19:05 IST

Every one should read....Parents please think of ur child happiness not of urs.

from:  Sonam Singh
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 17:26 IST

50% of marriages in US (supposed to be a liberal country, a country many from the MTV generation idolize) end in divorce. and sadly not all of them are issue-less.

from:  Yogesh
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 16:45 IST

Youth is still learning about life and has not reached to the age of decision making with foreseeingness, The testesterones are so high on any other factor which might become very important to him/her after couple of years. I strongly believe that immediate elders will help him/her to take a better decision than himself. Parents are those volunteers who do any kind of counselling to their wards free of cost. Amir, your solution is a troubleshoot-quick fix, do the diagnosis deeply, and then you can have better solutions. One can also fall in love with his/her spouse after marriage, and there are greater chances. The otherway round, after falling in love, marriage may happen or not, which might destroy the emotions of an individual for good. Woman is that partner who conceives the material, after the lovemaking or Procreation activity. So an extra-care is given, because no one wants to have those genes in production of offspring,who have either ditched you,inhumane or whose you dont like

from:  Syed Munawar
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 14:57 IST

I dont an actors' views should be given any importance in this regard.
First of all, he himself had a failed love marriage with Reena Dutta
then how could he tell others to do love marriages. Best thing would be
to ignore his views on this topic.

from:  Anil
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 14:57 IST

True love may be encouraged; however, young people often get confused between love, physical urges, emotional pangs when they enter adolescent age.
Imagine a girl falling for vibes of a smart young guy living on the street and eloping with him !!!
Only after she loses her chastitiy does she even come to know that the smart guy is not so smart after all.. that he doesnt have a job; a decent education; and not even a roof over his head. Indian culture is basically good.. . Yes.. we do need to give our young ones more responsibility in life when making important choices in life... but we can not close our eyes when they are making ill informed choices. Tell me who will marry a 12th class girl who has fallen prey to so called love and has been cheated into a physical relationship ?
Are we trying to rationalize sex saying... once bitten is ok.. we will learn out of it? No... sometimes the scars of such a misadventure can be very deep and painful.

from:  Venkat
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 13:53 IST

Maturity to make a independent decision and commitment to act on
decision with sense of responsibility is important in marriage.The
intention of making a bond whether its lust,love or social varies from
person to person , should not be gender bias.

from:  Dr.Yashshri
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 13:10 IST

thank you so much aamirji for bringing out this issue infront...there are so many us suffering just because of the caste we cant get our dear with whom we want to share the rest of our life...i believe in everything but then caste shouldnt be a barrier for parents are very much concerned only about this matter which is hurting me a lot...a lot many of us are in the same state...hope our society and elders change one day..."satyameva jayate"...

from:  tutoo
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 13:06 IST

Firstly I would like to thank Amir Ji for choosing such a great topic, which is becoming a dangerous situation in coming days. We younger people are rapidly getting addicted to changes in and around us due to rapid develeopment in our IT sectors, Jobs etc. But our parents are not. They are still in their old ages, where they do not even know how our work culture is, our living environmet in cities is, friendships, closeness between opposite sex etc. There should be some programmes to counsel parents also on this love matter, instead of counselling programmes just for younger people to be carefull about love.

"I know what's good for you so shut up and do as I say" is one of the scariest lines... Yes exact line has been told by my father when I have chosen my life partner. And that is also rejected just because he is from different caste. Now I am married someone else where he faced similar situation like me from his father. Now we both dont know where we are heading. Just living.

from:  sai
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 13:00 IST

Hi Aamir, I should applaud you for bringing this topic on SJ, marrying a girl/boy of your choice is very good, if it is with the person you love it will be the best. But one should not try to hurt their parents in the name of love, try to convince them and then get married. Roaming and performing some non-social activities on road is bad as it creates a negative impact on the culture of the particular place you are talking about. It would be better if you talk about even this topic as now a days teenagers are doing some non-sense in public

from:  harish
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 12:22 IST

In the Indian culture it is acceptable.if girl have love to any
neighbours.Then parents are confess to allow the marriage between
them.also depend upon equalty of the family.if one family belong poor
and other is rich.if marriage between them,then happiness only for
short time.and after long time she will feel i miss something.

from:  suresh
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 12:13 IST

In the Indian culture it is acceptable.if girl have love to any neighbours.Then parents are confess to allow the marriage between them.also depend upon equality of the family.if one family belong poor and other is rich.if marriage between them,then happiness only for short time.and after long time she will feel i miss something.

from:  shivam
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 12:07 IST

There is more to this topic than just about freedom for women when it come to Love. I hope Satyamev Jayate comes up with more intelligent topics and discuss every root of it... Looking forward to the next Column... Satyamev Jayate!!

from:  Priya
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 11:44 IST

Love is a feeling which occurs to every living soul in this society. So no matter how much the elderly ones advice you to stay out of it, you still tend to fall in love. It is one of the unavoidable things which happens to everyone, even to the one who advice us. Love brings out the best out of you. So its the freedom which everyone should have to make their life, a better one. It is quite evident in India tat if two highly educated and rich people even of different caste are in love, they are allowed to marry but, when it comes to the rural areas, caste plays the key role to make things apart. Unless the caste and religious systems for marriages are ruled out, the topic of love in India will never take its next step. Great topic to be discussed.

from:  Rakhavan
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 11:31 IST

To choose or be chosen for you..there's no right formula for success in marriage..its a union of two individuals...therein in itself is a paramount exercise to coexist, to understand each other, adjust,compromise and to live for yourselves,each other,children, parents, society. No matter how long u have known the person before marriage or how meticulous the process of choosing each other, with or without parents intervention, nothing prepares us for the reality of life and responsibilities after.
Whether we fell in love before or after marriage with our better half,
sustaining that relationship involves a balance of love,respect,
loyalty, sacrifice and most of all Faith in the institution of marriage
and in God.
The Secret/Power (Rhonda Byrne) to simply go on is to be grateful and
imagine a better life and to have faith in God.
God Bless.

from:  Tim
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 11:24 IST

- "I know what's good for you so shut up and do as I say" is one of the scariest lines... Firstly, no need to be scared to such words all the time. These words always do not come to show their superiority but from their experiences and pain when their loved ones are going crazy about some worthless attractions and becoming stubborn. I don't understand why people do not look at the words of care and compassion that immediately follow the dialogues such as this. - "If you truly want the best for them, you will encourage them to decide." We just cannot encourage every damn mind to do anything. And when it is life of our kids, we should educate them first instead of encouraging them to take any baseless decisions. Particularly in rural India, people are crazy and less educated. Encouraging them to follow whatever that comes to their mind will be a harmful move.

from:  Srinivas Kothuri
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 11:00 IST

Very true..i completely agree with you....awsome article

from:  Darsana
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 10:35 IST

First I would like to thank all SJ team & yeah The One and Only One Amir also to raise these issues.I agree with your views and people(parents) should understand feelings of their children.Most of the cases,in my experience,people(parents) think that LOVE is all about to make a physical relation with opposite sex,which is not true.In this Episode also,One of the member of 'Khap' raised a point again & again that "Kaam Vash me aa kar ye kiya". By all of these statements you can think that the thinking of people is Love is equal to &'Kaam'. Even in girl case where girl loves someone they make ugly comments on her character, which is the most pathetic thing I have ever seen in my life. They don't know that Love is a 'divine' feeling.But some of us(youngsters) play dirt in Love that's why people think like that way.We should change this thinking by setting some example of Love with full of heart.Change the Thinking Change the World.

from:  Vinay
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 10:23 IST

The most disheartening fact is the covert social-sanction to such bizarre killings. The trend of honour killings is pronounced in rural India but goes completely un-noticed in urban India. The khap-panchayats needs to tackled with an iron fist and a rule of law be established. The sad truth is unless casteism, communalism, regionalism, racism and other kinds of biases remain in our psyche, such gory practices can't be stopped fully.

from:  Sanjay
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 09:28 IST

A well thought-out explanation of the need for young people to choice their life partner, themselves. Thanks to Aamir for a very relevant topic and discussion.

from:  Vasu
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 09:26 IST

I do not think parents resist the choice of their daughter or son if they want to marry a boy or a girl who is well educated, sufficiently earning and has a good family back ground. But unfortunately in most of the cases it happens opposite. So, why to blame parents always? They always want best for their children. So, if they are helping us for the right choice , then why to oppose them?

from:  Prashant
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 09:00 IST

wow.what a article! this article will always have a good impact in our mind&heart.satyamave jayate!!!

from:  rs
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 07:41 IST

Patriarchal societies always assume that older people (read men) know better. It is high time that they examined their own marriages and relationship between wife and husband and its overall goodness. As long as men and women are assigned and continue to accept gender based roles (mostly pious service role for women), this attitude of old people knowing better will continue. Love marriages may or may not survive but who is to say that the other kind of marriage where husbands dominate their wives and wives are expected to worship their husbands as some kind of incarnation should be allowed to survive? Life is a long time. Nobody knows what it may bring forth but in a love marriage a couple would have at least experienced some of that special tenderness, longing and joy that only love can bring forth. Who would want to give that up? Wiser older folks recognize that the world is changing fast and who knows in what kind of world would their children have to cope with.

from:  virendragupta
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 07:04 IST

This topic, when viewed in isolation, does not paint the right picture. If the society accepts falling in love as norm, would it accept falling out of love (divorce or re-marriage) on the equal terms? People can make mistakes in choosing their partner (love or arranged). There is knowledge (youth) and wisdom (parents). It is hard to favor one over the other and it should be done on a case to case basis. It is naive of anyone to support one over the other.

from:  SampathA
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 03:41 IST

It's a good topic since it has impact for major part of life since we believe in single marriage, unlike westerners. One needs to teach family values and ethical way of life to children from early days which helps the young ones to take right decisions , not driven by compulsions or duped circumstances. Human beings are bundle of habits and thoughts which are getting formed from early days of life which will decide the way they look at the world including life partner.

from:  Sundar Rengaswamy
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 01:20 IST

It could have been a tradition that parents chose the match for their kids. But those were the days when the kids married as soon as they reached puberty.. i.e., physically ready but not mentally mature. The joint family system ensured that the couple grew up and bonded together. However, now that, everything in the above scenario changed (people marrying are not that young any more, joint families are much less relevant), I think it is time for parents to don the roles of facilitators rather than bosses.

from:  syam
Posted on: Jun 5, 2012 at 00:15 IST

The author is talking about "sexual attraction for opposite sex", while many commentators are mistaking the word 'love' for its traditional meaning. What is being presented here is the Western lifestyle, there is nothing original or thought provoking about this article. To provoke thought and debate, we need something original, not an imitation :-)

from:  Akula Sriram
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 23:36 IST

wonder if he will have an episode on sikh riots and gujrat riots.not about the riots but what about justice to the victims

from:  BC Canada
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 23:11 IST

I really appreciate the efforts that Amir Khan is making through Satyamev Jayate.Each episode is really bringing a lot of sense and it is a true eye-opener for Indian society.We as Indian's are always proud of our culture,but it has it loopholes and the current article on love marriage was a true reflection of the common thinking that is prevalent between us.I am working in a top MNC and belongs to a so- called modern family,still when looking around,the way love marriages are viewed really hurts.This is a very sensitive issue being raised by Amir and each one of us should take a positive attitude towards it.One point that I really want to highlight is that,most of the families have no problem with the love marriage,but the roles so called relatives is what that makes things worse.So we should be very much frank when a girl is going for love marriage and there is nothing wrong with it.Parents love their son's and daughter's equally,so the wrong attitude about love has to be changed soon.

from:  Rahul Gupta
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 22:42 IST

though, the decision of parents seems to be stringent in respect to love marriage in contemporary period. but i think the decision of parents in regard to marriage has high percentage of successes as per govt. data. parents always think better for his, therefore, the parents should not be blamed.

from:  chandraveer singh bhati
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 21:06 IST

Aamir Khan seriously needs a team of researchers for his project. There is enough evidence now that marriages in India are not solely parent arranged without any participation of the young couples- to present the discussion in terms of arranged versus love marriages greatly undermines the agency young people exercise in their lives.

from:  Manjistha Banerji
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 20:50 IST

Thanks to Aamir Khan for this article. Probably one day will come when the people will know the value of love.

from:  shachindra pandey
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 20:45 IST

If parents/elders are not confident of their children making the right decision then they should blame themselves for bad parenting. Assuming a well education girl/boy has an average age of 22, they would quite clearly know what they want in life. Another argument that parents think only about their children's welfare is stupid, we have seen that in case of molestation of children where the family felt it was better to swipe the whole thing under the carpet to avoid public humiliation. Everyone is selfish including the parents.

from:  Nikhil K
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 20:28 IST

I think falling in love caused by merely based on physical attraction and emotional does not guarantee that future relation would be same as present. What parent wishes that all are based on he experience that they earned. And moreover no parent want that their son should face problem due to reason caused by social, religious facts etc.Finally understanding to each other in early age might be a immature decision.

from:  mohammad khalid
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 20:23 IST

Aamir Khan should be restricted to write in some soap magazine and not in national newspapers devoted to reporting and discussing news, not some celebrity's opinion on certain delicate matters. Please refrain from letting such baseless light articles from being featured in these online spaces reserved for well researched dense articles.

from:  EV Iyer
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 19:39 IST

It all depends on how you package it. The ideal and practice of individualism, originates in the West, and in their zeal to ensure an 'increasingly westernizing world' they brainwash rest of the world with their value system. What actually passes for 'love' there is actually a physical and emotional experimentation with multiple partners, and even then there is no guarantee that you will stick with the partner, rate of divorces is exceedingly high. The moment a child is born, it is claimed by the State - know how they are introduced to 911 (emergency number)? In the beginning it all looks fine, but it will end up where the West is today. We must answer for ourselves if this is indeed what we want, or end up getting it unintentionally?! Real love cannot be an experimentation with partners, one must be therefore really sure that it is REAL love!! Don't tear down anything just for the heck of it :-)

from:  Sandesh Agarwal
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 19:34 IST

Can't agree on certain issues! Teenage love often changes to lust and if it is love then one must be rejoiced.

from:  Haamid Bukhari
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 19:16 IST

I agree to your view... what is the correct age to fall in Love? After 18? This is a serious question, as you are overloading the youth, where he would spend most of his energy in this effort, rather then studies and other important decisions in Life. If you see other countries, youth are spoilt because of the same reason, they forget their career and get into relationship and screw their life. According to our Ancient Scripture 25 is the correct age... Don't you think we should stick to that, if not 25 atleast 22-23 I know it is hard to implement and love does not wait for Age tooo :D

from:  Siva
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 19:14 IST

Whether one approves of love before marriage or not is of course a matter of personal choice. However, the larger issue is of how society treats people who fall in love. When two consenting adults exercise the choice to get married legally, the world has no business pronouncing judgments on them or deciding upon a 'punishment' for the alleged wrongdoers.

from:  Ria
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 18:40 IST

I agree with you in a certain point. But this is a little complicated issue. Sometimes the concern from the parents always on the choice that we make. They are afraid whether are we making a mature decision or just seeking gratification for our biological/emotional urges. Our reasoning is more important that the right or freedom in this regard. Our freedom and right is considerable when the parents are not in a situation to understand us and our real need. But when the parents are so keen to understand us and value our opinion and there comes a need of honest and healthy discussion from both, rather a fighting for the freedom of choice.

from:  Ram
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 18:28 IST

Amir..... Great show Keep it up.........But this time I was a little disappointed about presenting only one side of the story......... Here's my ambiguity..... In all the cases you showcased the couple just ran out on the family assuming that they will definitely disapprove of their decision. Most times you can talk about this to your own family and chances are things will settle amicably.

from:  Arun Narayanan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 18:25 IST

I have met young Indian men, not semi-eductated from small towns, but well educated high earning men from metropolitan cities who get into relationships with women for years, but when the time comes for them to get married they go by what their mother says and marry within caste/class leaving their girlfriend of years in the lurch. They think that mother knows best. I have seen men do this more than women. It is really sad that they don't trust their own judgement in matters of love.

from:  varsha
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 18:21 IST

thanks amir sir for raising such a sensitive isuues about that we rarely like to talk. we hide many thing which actually should be discussed openly. killing somebody because somebody falls in love is really very sad, I don't understand when we say this whole universe is based on love and attraction, then pyar karna jurm kyun ban jata hai, and for that we give punishment, we take their lives. this is the time we leave our cruelty aside and struggle for the change in society. parents think about society, they think if their children do love, they will lose respect in society, they require to think what this society gives to a girl, they have to struggle for their existence in such a society. in this condition, if parents will not understand their child then who will understand. so please apne bachcho ko support kijiye, because they require you.

from:  SST
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 18:07 IST

We have full right to choose our life partner.But parents are also not
wrong on their part.I have seen many unsuccessful love marriages.But
that doesn't mean that one can't fall in love and marry that
person.Take such decisions only when you find yourself mature enough
to decide it for yourself.In times where we can even see same sex
marriages and relationships giving a thought to ones caste or religion
is stupidity.As Mr. Khan said in his article on marriages- Shared
interests, like-mindedness, companionship, shared sensibility, sense
of humour — shouldn't all this matter?

from:  pooja taneja
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 17:58 IST

I particularly loved the thought "Probably one of the most important decisions in your life would be whom you chose as your life partner. This one decision will decide the fate of more than perhaps two-thirds of your life. It will decide how happy or sad every day of your life is. It will decide how exciting, enriching and fulfilling, or how dull, boring and insipid your life is. It will decide who your children will turn out to be. It will decide how safe your life is or how insecure or sometimes even dangerous your life is." I think it makes complete sense. And keeping in mind this thought i think it becomes an even greater responsibility for people to put more thought to the person they are planning to chose as a life partner. They should consider lots of things than just adrenaline rush(read Love) to come to this conclusion. I believe instead of teaching society to think independently we need to teach them to how to think responsibly !

from:  Mansee Kaul
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 17:37 IST

Number of appraisal-Awesome,great and other also,etc.On one hand,we do
respect Aamir's thought but on other hand we can reject also because
after studying of lot case study in Indian society we can not
generalized thing as the way as Aamir did.Approval and disapproval of
love depend on deep varied and critical social conditions.sometimes It
may be disastrous for some family and some times giving support we
feel regrettably things is not happening as we thought and on the
every end,in the name of freedom finally love and marriage turns in
Dhokha(cheating)and usually women come in trouble and societal
conditions become for them like hell.we deeply support freedom for
women but educate them also so that they could not be cheated.

from:  Deepak Ratnani
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 17:36 IST

More essential is to understand between attachment and attraction , attraction is just a transient force among the youngsters in teenage which lasts in just matter of days, but attachment always lays a great bonding and foundation in couples because it innate lifelong dependency with each individuals .In past,conservatism was dragging it because of denial in social's acknowledgment among inter-castes myths, hence it was really ,reluctant to accept love marriages for Medium class families.Also psychologically,prediction of love is vital.No body can predict with existence of Love along his/her ethics. undoubtedly, We must woo Amir's back for love, but the point is to identify the essence of true love still.

from:  AshishAw
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:30 IST

you are right amir, But when we are discussing on any topic we should see both aspects, 1. Parents are always our wellwishers, they always want to make us happy, then why they oppose in very important decision of life, because they are afraid of the choice of their son or daughter, many times I have seen in villages when one girl falls in love and gets married to a boy, after some time they themselves break their relationship and again there is lots of tragedy, 2. when parents oppose and because of that there are suicide cases and murder cases In both situation what lacks is intellect. what I feel is that problem is very serious and it can be solved by only inheriting good qualities in our sons and daughter, parents should develop in child such a quality that he can take a right decision , many times it is seen that parents are intervening in every decision, they think that they are child, are not able to take decision, but it should be avoided.

from:  tabarak
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:29 IST

I don't agree with Mr. Aamir Khan's show on the topic of Sagotra Vivaah. It comes under incest which is not correct either ethically or legally. Gotra means their forefathers has been from same parents and this way they are siblings. Today, you are asking for sagotra vivaah, tomorrow marriages between cousins and afterwards own sister or brother. In so many gotras, the person doesn't find anyone else than his own sibling? Of course, I don't approve khap panchayat's judgments also and I don't have any issue with inter cast or inter religion marriages but sagotra vivaah should be avoided. You can see the horrible results of this in southern India where the main reason for birth of abnormal children is marriages in blood relations. Mr. Aamir Khan joked regarding the constitution of England and India. He should be aware that 75% of our great constitution is copied from England only. In the blind race towards modernism, we are losing our great culture.

from:  CVM Singh
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:16 IST

Aamir, thanks for picking this topic. The arranged marriage system can be tied to most social problems in our country, including: i) dowry, ii) expensive weddings that burden girl's parents, iii) parents valuing girls less, iv) foeticide, v) keeping caste, religious and socioeconomic barriers alive, vi) marriage at a young age, vii) over-population because of young age of parents, and worst of all, vii) stunting our young people's ability to think independently. This system is responsible for the widely prevalent immaturity we see in India. Young people who are not mature enough are pushed into marriage by their 'knowledgeable' parents. In the years when they should be making their own ideas about themselves and their life, they are busy having children, though they are children themselves. And the cycle continues. Husbands and wives may not divorce in our society, but parents routinely disown children and may even kill in extreme cases.

from:  Nandu
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:15 IST

Aamir ji! Absolutely the young generations should have the freedom to choose their partner but still parents too arenot wrong always!!

from:  Abishkar
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:09 IST

Sir, Love is really great but I think that the children in India start their love in very tender age by looking at their adults (brother and sister) and then they end up in a big fuss. Now a days love does not have meaning as that has become just the attraction of male and female, in this case pakka parents will come in between and stop the children from doing such kind of acts. Love has lost it's meaning it only means sex.

from:  Akhil Bhushan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:06 IST

If parents have an apprehension of youngster falling in love it not without deep rooted reason. More often love is an impulsive infatuation of youth at the cost of the ability to think rationally. Most Indians youth lack of rational and scientific questioning attitude and it will be recipe for very unhappy married life if they do not get counseling by more experienced elders. Incidentally love invariably follows 'dating'. Latest New York Time reports the finding of US Based The Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (YRBSS) "the highest rates of physical and sexual assault happen to women ages 16 to 24, programs to prevent abusive relationships have concentrated on high school and college students." "Nearly one in 10 high school students said they had been physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend" so much for the system of so called advanced western culture of boy/girlfriend dating etc. If this happens to be case of a highly advanced country with extremely well laid out system of police and justice, it is shuddering to imagine the fate of India, if the youth are let loose on the pretext of dating/love etc. Happily wisdom of the Indian family system instinctively has felt the need for "this is the one freedom that we specifically do not give to our young." For once I can not at all agree with your reasoning Mr. Amir Khan!

from:  N.G. Krishnan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:02 IST

the message here also imply not only about love marriage or arranged marriage but liberating our patriarchal mindset which dominate in our society. Amir is right, society as a whole need to valued the rights of women.

from:  k. Ahor
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 16:00 IST

If the younger generation wants to follow the kind of 'love' that is shown in your tinsel world (especially in today's Bollywood movies), Mr Khan, then why should not the elders object to it?

from:  Hari Bhaskar
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:47 IST

This is definitely an eye-opener. In a state like Tamilnadu ,people still think women don't have a say in choosing their other half, they are not given an option rather compelled to choose one.

from:  Kaushik.A
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:39 IST

salute to sj team.The topic they explored yesterday was fantastic.In India every parent must advised to watch that worthwatch discussion and parent should learn a lesson who believes in patriarchal phenomenon.NO body should deprive of feeling of love if they intended.

from:  brijesh dhemla
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:34 IST

No Doubt What ever was told on show was correct ! But people take it too personally !!! Which is also correct ! What he meant to say was "Why doing honour killings and murder's ?" Is it becoz of love and marriage ? People with low exposure to world does that ! Think about US and other body cares...neither one's parents nor society... but now dont think about india's culture and other things... Many cultures have come and gone... it does not make sense to preserve our culture..when it is not helping us ? as in case of untouchables ? and many more examples... We need to change .. Now if we compare us with Western countries.... We indian's are very sentimental,we love our families...we talk about relationship's ....but why ?...

from:  varanasi anup
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:32 IST

Falling in love is fine but youngsters should not rush to marry, they should give the relationship some time. In most cases (14-24 years of age approx) these are hormones, nothing but biology doing it's work hence calling it 'love' is wrong, it is more of 'physical attraction' then anything else.

from:  ankur
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:12 IST

@Pamela: "Falling in love is not a great reason to get married. Just look at the disastrous situation in the cultures that follow this path."!!!! Indeed!!! I am speechless! What, pray tell, would then be a right reason to get married? Money? Age? Caste? Horoscope? Just because thousands of couples across India stay in unhappy marriages because they are scared of the stigma associated with divorce, don't ever have the illusion that Indian marriages based on caste and horoscope compatibility are thriving successes. I truly wish people would be given the freedom to fall in love, get married, and yes, also get divorced if they fall out of love. I refuse to believe that the sky would collapse on our society if that happens!

from:  Gayathri
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:06 IST

Nowadays be it the guys side or the girls; in cities like Chennai parents are very supportive to love. Parents should accept their children's decision and let them live happily. coz the pain of missing the loved one is very terrible; not even let a soul suffer of it.

from:  Joicy
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 15:04 IST

The point is sometimes elders stereotype certain castes are good and certain castes are bad and fail to see that the genuineness and intensity of love between the two.They think they are being eclectic in what they do for their children with respect to their marriage, the most important thing is that the mindset they have from beginning that love marriages don't work out well,unless this dogma is cleared out from their mind it will be very difficult for children to handle the situation and this results in the wrong decision of either of them.Having an open mind set is very important in this delicate matter.Trial has to be made to channelise the train of thoughts of parents and children to be in coherence.

from:  karthik varadaraju
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:58 IST

As Mr. AK mentioned all would have experienced the sensation due to age .but the sense and social circumstances guided us to fulfill the top priority of completing the education and choosing our correct carrier with our parent care and sacrifice.hence nothing wrong in accepting their proposal.once the wards settled,the parents will not mind giving freedom to choose their life partner. adolescent love is not love and only it is lust.

from:  narayanan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:51 IST

Utter nonsense! The columnist is trying to impose his personal view as the right view with no understanding of any human mind and social context. By love does he mean sexual relations? Why don't you do some research or look at research done by others regarding this issue. Early sexual relations versus late relations have been consistently shown to be correlated with healthier outcomes in every aspect of life--health, well being, career, social status, longevity etc. What do you mean by natural? Nature intended? In a mediated society world over, particularly in indian context, entrenched with filmy stories--and people like you literally dictating youngsters about the clothes they wear, language the use, careers they want to choose, girl/boy they get attracted to, it is absolutely hypocritical to say let them do something natural.

from:  varun
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:42 IST

Persons loving each other & marrying is a beautiful thing.As as far as the role of our elders is concerned that plays a vital role. Most of the time elders forget that its their children's life that they have to live with someone. They give more importance to caste, religion, family status, kundali & even sometimes what somebody's father does that is also taken into consideration. I have seen a lot of couples being very compatible to each other but their families don't let them marry because of above mentioned reasons. This is very terrible. Because of the generation gap parents don't get to understand what their children want. The thinking of bygone days gets etched on their mindset. It is a whole lot of a effort to convince them for marrying your loved one. In this regard, SJ's effort to raise this concern is really appreciative. It will make them take interest in what their children want their partner to be irrespective of caste, religion, family status etc.

from:  Sunny
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:41 IST

great !! Even what I feel is the Parents should let their children choose their partner. parallel they should also ensure that they choose it wisely. in most cases Love marriages break because during Love the couple will be in their world of imagination and think it to be a reality. After marriage they actually realize what they were always longing for,which they thought they could sacrifice. Here a parent should play a role ,though passively ,they should make them understand what they really want and then ask for their choice. considering inter religion aspects, I think youngsters should atleast start conditioning their mind to acceptability so that they don't do it to their children,.. we cant really change the present parents' mentality to a large extent.

from:  Ashwin
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:37 IST

one thing, when parents know that is is not the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd love of their child, how they will allow their child to do love marriage? After all it will create problem to parents also in future. ib satyam mev should be considered.

from:  meenu
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:33 IST

Mom and dad, if you are reading this, please at atleast now stop blackmailing me into getting married. I am 24 and I would like to focus on my career right now.

from:  Divya Srikanth
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:24 IST

Before jumping to any conclusion - one must understand Love and Attraction are entirely different thing. Love is eternal but attraction keeps changing. At the teen age or at the age when a boy or girl have not seen any hardship, because they are getting food - shelter - social and emotional security at their parents place - It is MOSTLY attraction and SELDOM love. So, lets realise first what we are supporting - Love or Attraction?

from:  Avinash Baranwal
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:21 IST

I entirely agree with Amir's view on love. Love is the most tender of human feelings. Then why should this most tender feeling be the reason behind madness, suicide, kidnapping, stabbing and killing. Can we decide how many times should our heart beats? Can we decide hoe long should our heart beat? No we can't. Then how can somebody else decide for whom should our heart beat? Love is victory of fantasy over reality. Realities can't overcome fantasies. Dear dear parents you love us more than yourself. But why do you start hating us when we fall in love. We could have even do away with this thing called love. But I am afraid even our doing away with love can't free us from what we owe to you. Please don't disown us only because we fall in love with someone. Be with us and give us the chance to serve you when you need us. Don't deny us the Chance to serve you and love you only because we fall in love with someone.

from:  Ajeet Tiwari
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:21 IST

Having read the insightful article along with the diverse comments by readers makes me think that Indian Society is sitting on a revolutionary crossroad between the old mindset based on cultural shackles and democratic change based on individual choice propounded by the youth. A few cases of this clash were highlighted in the episode of Satyamev Jayate yesterday. Let us look within ourselves and understand that ' Change is only constant'. Hoping for a better future for the youth.

from:  debashish
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 14:03 IST

I don't understand one of the readers comments that LOVE is a personal matter.... MARRIAGE is a social phenomenon..a social duty/ responsibility/contract/survival strategy.. Do you mean to say that you got married for the sake of society.That you gave birth to your children just as a survival strategy?? You describe LOVE as personal matter so it means you have to get married for the sake of society but you may or may not LOVE your wife.Really most people are still living in dinosaur age or maybe before that.Many of our forefathers fought to get rid of these mindsets from our society, they themselves performed inter-cast marriages,widow marriages but its gone all in vain as our society doesn't change,doesn't want to change! Amir did put the issue in front of public neatly, lets see if society listens to him..

from:  bipin
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 13:53 IST

In love think beyond the caste ,religion and region,

from:  Girdhar singh
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 13:36 IST

Choosing your own is something the parents should teach their children. instead they choose everything for the child from toys onward. The also create a sense of discrimination between girls and boys. Parents feel that it is their right to choose whatever to their child as it was in their own childhood. This is the malady that should be treated. Those who refer to brakup of love marriages among foreigners are simply exaggerating the problem. In fact there absolutely more misery in a loveless a marriage arranged by parents. They are already broken but not coming to open for reasons we all know better. Tradition. So let us try to converse with our children from childhood itself frank and fearless. I do hope that things are changing. Satyameva Jayate.

from:  K.N.Krishna.
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 13:13 IST

being in love is the most beautiful feeling, the best gift ever you could ask for its great to be in love and very few people get d chance to feel the passion of true love. and Love marriage is better than arrange marriage if the relation between you and your partner is true love not lust, Love marriage never fails, the marriages made on lust that fails, Love makes us able to adjust from every situation in our life as well as every family member, Love is divine thing, and it's the heart of marriage relationship. All you know that marriage is a beautiful relationship. Marriage is not a thing that can buy in supermarket or etc. It is a journey of two bodies with one heart. According to me love marriage is better than arrange marriage as in love marriage both the partners knows about each others positive and negative side before only. A love marriage is a union of two individuals based upon mutual love, affection, commitment and attraction.

from:  anshu
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 13:09 IST

LOVE is a personal matter.... MARRIAGE is a social phenomenon..a social duty/responsibility/contract/survival strategy.. I wonder why this modern generation takes marriages an as 'entitlement'.... why Amir Khan & all others don't understand this!!

from:  manish
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 13:07 IST

but reasons like different caste, religion, nation are silly reasons for rejecting any couple from getting married.. yes, there would bechange of cultures but i am sure any marriage needs adjustments. n definitely the couple woule cope up with matter how educated one is or how respected one is but if does not think beyond caste, religion,etc i guess there is no chance that discriminations n divisions on the above basis would ever end in India.

from:  kk
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:56 IST

This is an awesome article...every person has to read it..not limited to parents. i dont know wat else to the present society where india is developing in various fields and is globalising..i dont understand why people fail to understand or make it a big issue when two people of different caste/religion/nation want to spend their life together. i am not against arranged marriages. i totally believe that parents would always want to choose the best for their children, but that doesn't mean always that they are right. when a love marriage fails people would blame the couple for taking a haste decision or for not agreeing to their parent's choice. but is it that all arranged marriages have been a success??? haven't there been any arranged marriages that have ended up in divorces?? once again i m not against arranged marriages... but its humanity to treat everyone equal. parents definitely have the right to point out at their kid's choice after all they know n have seen much more.

from:  kk
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:50 IST

I totally agree with Mr. Aamir Khan as i believe that loving someone and spending life with him/her should be an individual's decision. Its not a crime for which someone should be punished. All parents ultimately want their children to be happy but the only fear because of which they stop their children from doing a love marriage, is the fear of the 'society' or due to other typical differences(status etc). No matter how forward or developed or advance we become, what needs to change the most is the basic mentality of people in our country towards things. This is the 'satya' and as we know 'satyamev jayate'.

from:  Ankita
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:43 IST

Thanks Amir. Parents are often so worried about a young girl's 'honor' that they can't focus on anything beyond that. Empowerment is the key for women. But, several men are also in the same boat. They fall in love with a woman, only to give her up and follow their parents wishes. For those who claim youngsters are apt to make mistakes, well, mistakes are an important part of life and growth. Every mistake you make, enriches you in terms of experience. This fanatic obsession with ensuring your children make no mistakes at all isn't healthy. This isn't paradise and nobody's perfect. There's no reason to be ashamed of making mistakes. Of course, there are bound to be several poor examples if this becomes a norm, but that's a natural part of the evolution process. People will take time to adjust to this new way, but in the long run things will only get better with individuals gaining confidence in themselves and their ability to make important choices based on love and practicality.

from:  Jmoss
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:40 IST

It is not just marriage. Indian parenting largely consists of not letting your kids decide things for themselves, both major and minor and constantly fussing over them and complaining how they always do everything wrong until they succumb and yield to you. Whether it concerns choice of career (Amir you should know - Papa kehte hain bada naam karega, beta hamara aisa kaam karega), spouse, how children need to be raised, and so on, always the elders know best, which is partly strange as they themselves have not made these decisions and so cannot claim direct experience in the matter. While there is merit in listening to good advice from the elders, it is much more important that our youth are allowed to make their decisions on their own, both our boys and girls.

from:  Vivek
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:39 IST

In our society marriage as such does not need love. We see such marriages all the time. For that to work, men have to be responsible husbands, women have to be loving mothers, with mutual respect for each other (guess that is not love). Probably its better to experience love, but not be hasty about marriage. Infatuations don't last. Marriage requires commitment.

from:  Srikanth
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:28 IST

It is better to loose your ego and outdated social stigmas than to loose your close one such malaise in our society. I am sure that the parents of the childrens who succuummed to this ruthless social baricade against love would have also realised their sin when they have seen a happy family with intercaste marriage....and this is the only way to counter this taboo that we encourage this in or home and make it most comfortable abode for all the members of the family.

from:  Sujay Chatterjee
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:23 IST

Aamir Khan, you had such a brilliant opportunity to rip apart the concepts of caste and religion, but you choose to ignore them conveniently. Kinda sad.

from:  Abhishek Iyer
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:06 IST

According to hindu and christian faith marriage is secred, but muslim treat is as a contract. Therefore, please do not mix LOVE with MARRIAGE.Love can flourish even between persons married to two different persons.It is not necessary that marriage is the ultimate culmination of love. However violence against two loving persons marrying by any yardstick (caste, religeion etc. )should be made punishable under Indian Penal Code.

from:  Vipin Bhatnagar
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 12:01 IST

Here, Amir is assuming love is a one time thing and once you fall in love and get married, everything lives happily ever after. Alas! that's not the truth. Look at the cases of infidelity and adultrations and I am pretty sure they occur mostly in love marraiges. This is because love (in opposite sexes) is not permanent. It is not. That's why you can get over one and move on to someone else. And by nature too, very few animals pair up for their lives, mostly are stags and roam alone until their reproduction season starts. Yes, falling in love is good and beautiful, but only IFF all humans were rational, comitted and good. Rationality, I would call is a better word I would prefer for gettin married. I however support that choice be given to the individuals to choose their partners.

from:  Saransh
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:55 IST

I wonder why Aamir khan has taken such issue when there are plenty to do. The first and foremost reason why the younger generation suffer from love is they can't differentiate whether a girl/boy is behaving friendly or they are in love. To rub the salt on the wounds, love became a time pass for this generation. We can see many people changing their lover once in a month or year. Everyone is in need of urgency that leads to many problems. when a girl falls in love, their parents afraid because she is in such insecure state. That is why they are very much concerned about. It's the their princess life comes in mind first rather than their honor.

from:  balamurali
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:51 IST

Hi Aamir Sir, Thanks for highlighting this issue. this is a coincidence that i wrote a comment on SJ blog that you should have a episode on this also and this week its came. Love is a wonderful feeling and everyone feel this at some point of time, but there is very thin line between love and attraction, most of the times its not love but just a attraction which slowly vanished off with time. My view is that we should give time, before take decision to marry, we should discuss openly with our parents and take the advantage of their experience and then we should decide. Is He / She is really made for you ?

from:  Amol
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:52 IST

Totally agree with Amir.

from:  Vinod
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:26 IST

To have been raised by parents who themselves have had a love marriage is one of the many blessings I count myself lucky to have. I grew up in a place considered quite conservative and when I saw the secrecy with which love occurred among my peers and the mistakes that people made because of this secrecy(myself included), I realize that condemning love will never stop it from happening. If nothing else, a secret affair would only have problems. That is why I loved the guy from the love commandoes. He said it the best, love openly. Don't treat it as a sin. To all the old folks out there who still don't believe in love because divorce rates are rising, but that isn't because of love or arranged marriages. This just means that couples are becoming bolder to accept mistakes instead of going through a lifetime of unhappiness. So give your children the freedom to choose, if it's a mistake, they'll learn and they'll fix it. And Thank You Aamir for a beautiful show.

from:  Subhash Rajeev
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:12 IST

Love marriage or arranged marriage, it is a gamble. What is in store after the marriage, nobody can fathom. Many couples live loveless lives as the compatibility is just not there. A lot of compromise between the couple makes the marriages tick. Else, either for keeping their honor in the society or for the sake of their children, they continue to live together. In arranged marriages, the parents try and match compatibility in terms of religion, language, eating habits, lineage etc. to whatever extent possible. In love marriages, these issues generally don't come to the fore but raise their ugly heads only in their married life. Ultimately, either way, it is the adjustments that one has to make through out life to keep the marriage in tact. People become mature to accept such adjustments only, as the years pass by. Most importantly, it is essential for the couples to have at least one child soon so that the common bond of love for the kid cements the marriage also.

from:  D. Chandramouli
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:09 IST

So what really is a wrong decision? I wonder sometimes, what practically should the parents oppose? For there are things they really should. Getting married to a alcoholic masochist is one, but it really boils down to what you have inculcated in your kids. As an young adult, I feel parents to know that if they have grown up their kids with (almost) perfect right environment and right attitude, you can be sure he/she will make a decision with complete conscience. As far as when you are convinced she/he has made a wrong decision, assert your opinions clearly and if she justifies her feelings, then you should silently acquiesce even if the other guy/girl is of a different religion, because she already has thought about your opposition multiple times and then come to that decision

from:  Abhishek
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:09 IST

I agree with the writer's views. But I feel an important issue in the whole scenario is missed. More than being patriarchal, I think it is our caste prejudices that prevent elders from giving the youth the right to choose their partner. And in most cases, marriage is seen as an opportunity to amass wealth. Many parents, I think, would not disagree if their ward,chose a partner who belongs to the same caste and is in an economically higher position than their family.

from:  Saradha.V
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:08 IST

The roots of most problems in our country are those of hypocritical double standards and as you mentioned, the ever staunch patriarchal society which, more than anything else, has severe disregard for the law. After watching the show yesterday, I could understand that the problem will not be solved by education. Educated people are also privy to and participate in such acts as those of killing their children because they 'dishonoured' them. People don't have the minimum regard for the laws of the land. Everything the 'khap' said within the show also proved the same. At least a generation later, things would seem to change if this issue is to be dealt with. This was an important issue. More than highlighting what's happening in our country, it highlights the way most Indians think and act.

from:  Damien Dedalus
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 11:02 IST

When we talk of woman empowerment, do we actually mean what we say or is it just a LIP Service? The candid writing of Aamir Khan in The Hindu speaks it all. Let's each by ourselves endeavor to actually empower women rather than just say or write about it (or even post about it).... We have to agree that our children have to make their choices be it either of the sexes. What we can do is to give our opinion if we feel their decision is fatal to their well-being. There ends our role. After all, if anything goes wrong in an arranged marriage, who should be blamed? I think Aamir is right in all aspects. Now more empowerment (in the real sense) should be given to the girl-child especially.

from:  Ajith
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 10:55 IST

Its an eye opener for many people, but I guess there has been a point
that is missed here. What if the girl or a boy chooses a partner whom
he or she thinks is good for them and it turns out that it is not? And also the girl or the boy doesn't understand it. Now, in these situations the parents have to make their young ones understand why it is not going to work out and get them out of their misery. This would turn out to be an important decision that they are going to make for their young ones. AS it was rightly pointed out that "if an 18 year old can choose a prime minister, why can't he choose his life partner?". Well, it turns out that some people can't make this important decision and for whom their parents have to make it for them.

from:  Vinodh V B
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 10:28 IST

During the childhood, parents fulfil all the wishes of their wards, give them more then what they ask for. They themselves spoil them. But when children ask for the permission of parents in their biggest decisions why do parents force them to do what they wish for..? why not this time also they give the children what they have asked for.?

from:  Priyanka
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 10:27 IST

very true and reasonable.... reveals the essentiality of heavenly design system.

from:  tsetan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 10:20 IST

Honour killing is something I didn't know before I came out of Manipur for studies. I never and thought that human beings will do such kind of things. Very illogical !!

from:  Yasin Kh
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 10:05 IST

One of the factors contributing to the coercion to marry is the Indian notion that women must get married in their early-twenties if they want to live a fulfilling life. This curbs the professional and personal growth of women. Children should be encouraged to marry after they have a firm sense of who they are, and are more able to make a choice of a spouse that is considered and mature. They will also be able to deal with their parents better.

from:  Swathi
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 09:57 IST

vey true mirror of our most part of our country.....

from:  shweta maurya
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 09:17 IST

If there was a mirror that could reflet what is in my mind, it is this article! Thanks Amir, for writing this article. What ever said and done about empowerment of women, the thought that women should always agree with others in the family and should always make all compromises for the family has not changed at all. All social movements about Empowerment of women in India will be successful only when this thought process is thrown away from Indian minds.

from:  Savitha
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 09:02 IST

Thank you Aamir for highlighting this. This issue will never be understood in its proper sense by our elders who are not in this generation. There are lot of factors which influcence these beliefs and ideas; foremost among them is religion; hindu religion portrays Husband/man as the ultimate authority in a house and women should treat him as God. We can never change our religion, can we?? Change starts only when we go out of our religious boundaries and I am sure that will take far more decades if not a century.

from:  chaitanya
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 08:59 IST

Thank you

from:  Aswati Maria Jose
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 08:57 IST

This article is very fine with respect to giving freedom to youngsters to choose what they want from their life. Indeed elders should only try to teach younger generations on how to evaluate decisions in life. But then leave the decision to younger generations themselves. This is the essence of life, we learn from our experience and our mistakes besides knowledge imparted by our elders. There is no substitute for learning from our own experiences. So I agree in this article to provide a full freedom to our younger generations on love. We as their good wishers be ready to support them in case they are falling apart, but not as decision maker but as a decision supporter. So we should restrict the roles to decision support only not to decision making itself as older generations.

from:  Incheon Korea
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 08:36 IST

Aamir your words make complete sense to me. Love is the most beautiful feeling. I want to be a love commando too. Jai Hind! Cheers from Arunachal Pradesh.

from:  Techi Jose
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 08:31 IST

Aamir khan I agree with you

from:  poonam verma
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 07:40 IST

I laud the team of Satyamev Jayate to raise such an important issue. There are pros and cons of both love as well as arranged marriages, but in the end if one should listen to his/her heart.

from:  Ganesh
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 07:21 IST

your reluctant choice of the subject is quite relevant we the elders the understanding ones could see the new awakening and hope in young ladies about their future which they want to decide with societys support also this episode will make all concerned to have clearer views.

from:  swaminathan
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 07:09 IST

Great thoughts and I applaud every word and the essence of what Aamir is saying. But what if you know that your child is veering towards making a wrong decision, the most important decision of their lives in the name of love, then as a parent, do you wait and watch for the child to make the mistake like they do in western countries and let them learn the hard way or do we everything in our power to advise them and allow our experience and foresight to stop them. Yes, the young have the right to experience love and make their decision, but we have to hope and pray that it is the correct decision. After all marriages are made in heaven and it is the biggest gamble of your life whether it is love or arranged.

from:  Tara Chandramouli
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 06:51 IST

SIR, i am fully agreed with your views in the first section about love and marriage.every young should have the right to have that amzing experience in life and he/she must have the freedom to exercise it.however i am little apprehensive about your view that the young should have the only right to decide his/her choice specifically the arguments that "why should we leave this decision to others" and "we should learn from our mistakes". However as you have told parents have better experience of life,so in my view they do understand the relatinships in the long term and marriage is not a mistake that you can commit many times and learn few things each in the context of changing social values and changing aspirations,i believe the balance should be struck through an open disucssion between parents and child putting light into every dimension of the conjugal relationship in their own perspective,both in short term and long term,there by giving a holistic picture to our decision.

from:  Manas R Dehury
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 06:47 IST

as you have mention that the age is very tender and children don't know whether its love or infatuation. as a parent we don't want our children make a foolish and usually extravagant decision and ruin their life. because its always seen that this tender age love usually come out to be fake.

from:  hemant
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 06:17 IST

There are social dogmas attached to the institution of marriage. As long as love is between a boy and girl of legally acceptable age conforming to accepted norms of genetics there is nothing wrong. Over the years inbreeding due to marriage of close kith and kin for economic reasons or vows exchanged at the time of birth has resulted in the progeny suffering from mental inadequacies. The young minds should be educated on the perils of inbreeding and helped to adopt a healthy outlook towards selecting one's life partner or as is commonly called falling in love. Unnatural relationships should not be encouraged as these go against the law of nature. Parents too should adopt an enlightened outlook towards their offsprings developing liking for a particular person of any caste,creed or religion. Openness in discussing such matters among the parents and children would help in breaking all barriers and desist any action on the sly resulting in life long acrimony difficult to reconcile.

from:  R.Vijaykumar
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 06:13 IST

Every parent needs to read this one. Very thoughtful and apt for the present situation. Kudos!!

from:  Rukmangada
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 06:04 IST

Aamir, Falling in love happens, regardless of whether the parents approve or don't. And it doesn't have to happen to everybody on this planet. It has to be mutual and not the kind of mindless chase that is often shown in movies!! And falling in love can happen with your partner after your marriage too!! In fact, that is more enduring and makes the relationship great.

from:  Badri
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 05:38 IST

After Watching today's SJ, one of my friends sent me a message, I dedicate this to you "The show reminded me of what Kahlil Gibran said, the parents need not dream for their children, they have their own".

from:  Noushad
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 04:00 IST

Falling in love is not a great reason to get married. Just look at the disastrous situation in the cultures that follow this path.

from:  Pamela
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 03:47 IST

This article has highlighted the very genuine concern of our society.I hope this article will help to change our patriarchal attitude of our society that girls must have emotional freedom.

from:  naveen
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 03:18 IST

Don't have prob with inter religious marriage, hate conversion of anybody religion. Read about Rinkel kumari 's case in Pakistan.

from:  Ss
Posted on: Jun 4, 2012 at 03:09 IST
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