Respected sir/madam,
With a heavy heart I wish to inform you in this letter that it is no longer allowed for people to be happy about anything. Everything is a problem. If you are enjoying something it means you are doing some great Pol Pot type torture against the humanity. The only people who are allowed to be happy even 10% are criminals already in jail.
Ok, calm down Mr. Mathrubootham, don’t go directly to climax, give some screenplay also. Ok. Fine. You want screenplay? Take it.
So yesterday morning I got SMS from my lifelong friend and college classmate Edison Arockiaraj inviting me for Christmas party in his house. As soon as I saw the message I ran into the kitchen shouting, “Kamalam praise the lord, Edison has sent message, I have to prepare for party.”
The moment she heard “Edison party,” her face instantly turned from Sumalatha in Thisai Maariya Paravaigal to Lalitha Kumari in Pathimoonam Number Veedu . I slowly walked backwards and stood slightly behind the fridge for protection.
So, old man, what food and drink items will be there at this Christmas party, she asked. And then Mrs. Mathrubootham slowly took out all the blade attachments for the mixie and placed them on the kitchen counter one after the other slowly.
Sir/ Madam, as you are well aware, my wife is a very broad-minded lady with modern taste and contemporary elegance. Except when it comes to non-vegetarian food items and hard drinks. Such things are 100% banned in our household. If you want, you have in your house, no problem, but if you bring to our house then on the spot Auto Shankar will take place.
Many years ago, when I was working in Coimbatore branch, she suddenly came to visit me with children as a surprise. I had just come back from the office and was changing into domestic casuals when suddenly Kamalam appeared out of nowhere like demonetisation. At that very moment I remembered, oh my god there is half kilo boneless chicken biryani from Subbu Mess in the fridge.
I told her, “My dear, you and the children relax, I will make tea and Maltova in five minutes.”
Sir/ Madam, what I can say? In less than two minutes I converted chicken biryani into masala rice without wasting a single piece of chicken. (Money does not grow on tree.) Since that day I have never even touched chicken biryani except once or twice a month.
Anyway, Mrs. Mathrubootham asked whether any vegetarian items will be there in this party? “Of course,” I said, “Christmas tree is there.” Ha ha ha. Sorry Kamalam.
Only after giving her 100% assurance that I will not indulge in any uncultured food items, I went to Edison’s house at sharp 1 p.m.. “Hello Edison,” I said, “What happened to your tree? No tree this year?”
“No uncle,” Edison’s son said, “cutting tree is bad for environment.”
“No problem, get one plastic tree?”
“Never,” he said. “Plastic is worst for the environment.” Edison sat quietly in one corner with blank expression.
“Oh my god, Sunderlal Bahuguna, you put some pictures of Christmas tree on the wall no? Otherwise how feeling will come?” I asked.
“Antony said wasting paper is one of the great crimes against nature, uncle, how you can say such things?” I looked at Edison, Edison looked at Jesus statue in showcase.
“Ok, no problem,” I said. “Who needs Christmas tree to get real feeling? You please don’t delay the food items.”
“Uncle,” he said, “this year we are only serving vegetarian items in order to avoid any damage to any animals.”
“Excellent idea,” I said, “Edison, you could have given me some warning.” But Edison had already started eating green peas cutlet and potato samosa.
Yours in total and utter frustration,
J. Mathrubootham
Urgent information: Sir/Madam, for next two weeks, Mrs. Mathrubootham and I are going for Christmas vacation to my brother’s house in Mumbai. She has told me that I should pay full attention to family and not write useless letters. This is for your information. Please put some other interesting items instead.
