With summer almost upon us, and pools and beach parties calling, the body needs to be put into shipshape — if not a four-motor speedboat shape, at least a dinghy shape. No, you don’t need to stop drinking, just take a break from it and pay someone enough to slap the fat out of you. Sri Sri Maganji strongly believes that a pure mind only matters if either it belongs to the many with lotsa’ dirty money or, at least, is on a body with a six-pack shining somewhere below it.
Screw gymming, that’s like physical toil. Martial arts are better, but don’t believe them when they teach you how to disarm a gunman two feet away because that is precisely the distance that any lame-ass, trigger-happy idiot will not be firing from. So avoid such comical efforts at boosting confidence and, instead, let me find you new ways to burn your money. Fat, I mean.
1. Endorphins:
No matter what you do, if it doesn’t do your hormones in, then it isn’t really intense. Endorphins or just about any other hormone, your fitness regime should make you secrete more of it. Taryn Toomey’s The Class sounds like an exercise regime from heaven, especially when garnished with words like “engage” and “challenge” and, of course, “endorphin-firing”. The Sri Sri Maganji Klass will feature all these and other words like “adrenalin”, “burn”, “GST-extra” and “no refunds” as emotional triggers, all for the sake of hormones. I will also throw saffron and white dhotis into the mix and put teeka on the students, who would all have been pre-selected through a swimsuit round.
2. Yoga:
“Namaste”, as said with a western accent, is second only to the word “vegan” in my dictionary of poncy words. Not that they don’t have any genuine relevance or value, but because they are usually mouthed by people whose claim to using them is that they saw a YouTube video about how cruel milk is, or how your chakras fall into utter imbalance every time you have to parallel park. Hence, yoga. Because who hasn’t achieved inner peace in the dirty, travelled brotherhood of Thai yoga pants? And because we all need a guruji , I will make myself available; a personal yogi tutor is God’s new way of telling man that s/he’s making too much money. Make it a naked yogi and you’ve possibly bought yourself a ticket to the next Ambani shindig. My yoga classes would be consulted by me remotely, with participants in an airtight chamber; survivors would get to make bookings for the next week. Of course, all payments would be upfront.
3. Dietician:
Having a Yoga guruji but not a dietician is an incomplete suite; it’s just not a winning hand in kitty party circles. Unless you have eschewed gluten, nuts, dairy, and just about anything that casts a shadow, your dietician is not worth it. Paleo, South Beach, Zone, Keto... the more austere the diet, the more highly valued (also highly priced) your food doctor. I am, among my other avatars, also a dietician. Or was that mortician? Either way, it was a correspondence course. But let me introduce you to the Sri Sri Maganji Prison Diet, where I feed people stale food and then beat them after. Dysentery would be distributed on Wednesdays and a lucky few could get Salmonellosis on weekends. If you haven’t lost weight in a week, you get a second week for free!
