I had barely begun to understand how peacock tears work and I find 2017 already drawing to a close! This might be a calendar conspiracy by Pakistan, but it’s not so easy to confuse me. I had cunningly drawn up my resolutions for next year in advance. And here, dear reader, I share them with you.
#1 I will create a catalogue of things to be proud of. This will include stuff like BeingBrahmin, eating gluten, fondness for old Hindi songs, washing dishes, the scar on my eyebrow, etc. Expect to see hashtags from me that go #ProudIHaven’tLynchedAnyoneToday. If anyone tries to save animals from cruelty, I will respond with ‘Phooey, Proud to be Homo Sapien’.
#2 My second resolution is to diss anyone demanding caste-based justice as simply a ploy to get into the papers. It’s obvious that your brother is still a manual scavenger because, well, karma. I will shrewdly point out that you’ve had reservation for 70 years and if your son is still lynched or your home burnt down, you are clearly interested only in publicity.
#3 I am beginning to get really annoyed with people imagining they can make movies on any subject with no concern for my tender sensitivities. If someone directs or stars in such a film, which I haven’t seen yet but might disapprove, I will try and behead him or her. I intend to burn down at least one movie set and two books in 2018 to protect my identity, values, something, it doesn’t matter.
#4 As a proud inhabitant of Chennai, which has just joined UNESCO’s creative cities network, I hereby resolve to kill all creativity. So if anyone is silly enough to innovate with a mudra or jam with a rapper or sing Todi in a pub, I will chew her up along with my keerai vadai . Also, in passing, I declare it’s my birthright to park right in front of the auditorium gates while I disembark my kanjeevaram -clad self and my progeny from the car while a queue half a block long forms behind me. (Traffic jam? Where’s your sense of culture?)
#5 My favourite bugbear: air travel! It’s my birthright to be obnoxious while travelling and I will punch anyone who tries to stop me. I will form a parallel queue in front of all boarding gates, stand under the wings or even sit on them, cuss the staff, get drunk, and hog all overhead bins.
#6 I am proud of my desi toilet habits and promise to nurture them in 2018. I will clog all toilets I use. And some I don’t. My ritual purity is very important, so I will wash my feet and flood the floor. Or I could pee on the floor. Or I could try to drown the WC. Basically, it’s my duty to ensure that everyone wades through an indeterminate puddle. Also, I promise not to flush toilets because, well, because.
#7 I have lately developed a heretic tendency to delete messages without reading them, which is impacting my education. I resolve to faithfully attend WhatsApp University in 2018, reading, forwarding, furthering the cause of the Great Leader and pushing Indian history back at least 10,000 years.
#8 My most ambitious resolution for 2018 is to stop the pernicious practice of hugging. It is anarchist and vulgar and must be nipped in the bud. As the Kerala school teacher asked, “If everybody is allowed to hug, is it practically possible to run a disciplined institution like ours?” I plan to start a signature campaign against hugs, which I will send to the DM, CM, PM and Smriti Irani.
#9 I have a sneaky ambition to become a godman in 2018. All it needs is atrocious fashion sense, lots of guns and roses, a beard, and female disciples to assault. Except for the beard, everything else will be easy enough to organise.
#10 Finally, I resolve to become more sanskari . I had intended to campaign against condom ads, but now I am demanding that we ban sex altogether because it’s a bad influence on children. What children, you ask? We invented test-tube babies eons ago, soon after plastic surgery. I wish you would remember your history.
Where the writer tries to make sense of society with seven hundred words and a bit of snark.
