Was the Aziz Ansari episode just a bad date or #MeToo?

As the stand-up comedian grabs media attention for all the wrong reasons, a look at the complicated dating dance

January 19, 2018 01:54 pm | Updated October 05, 2018 01:18 pm IST

When I was 20, I went for dinner with a guy on what I thought was a ‘buddy night’. I discovered different when his arm snaked around me in the auto home. It took half an hour of gentle dissuasion and unwanted kisses before the ‘No’ sunk home and I got away. Why gentle? Well, in the auto I was scared he would throw me out on a strange Delhi street at 10 pm, and in the stairwell of the AIIMS hostel building, I remember thinking, ‘He bought me dinner, poor sod.’

Was he wrong to imagine a dinner automatically meant more? Yes. Was I a victim of sexual harassment? No. I was neither subordinate nor student, loan applicant or employee. My career or interests weren’t at stake. I had the power to say no and retrieve my body and my evening. And I did.

The fact that I was a little scared is important. It’s the physical imbalance of power between men and women. If, despite that (and despite being bought dinner), women retain the power to reject without repercussion , it remains a bad date and not assault.

Often, women are emotionally unable to reject an advance even when there is no coercion. It’s a psychological war that men usually win. It proves that men are creeps, but it still isn’t criminal assault.

These factors come into play as the Aziz Ansari episode grabs media attention. For those who came in late, Ansari and Grace flirted for a week, went out for dinner, then to his flat where they had sexual activity. So far, so predictable.

Grace has since said she was uncomfortable during the encounter and had sent non-verbal cues that Ansari ignored. Ansari has apologised, saying he went ahead because he thought it was consensual. There’s no reason to believe one over the other, but when Grace finally refused to continue, Ansari did call her a cab to go home. Ansari was rich, famous and older, but he had no power over Grace nor did he wield force. The evening could arguably have ended after dinner or even after the first advance.

Can Ansari be equated with Harvey Weinstein or RK Pachauri? Is this #MeToo? Are all bad dates henceforth to be read as incidents of sexual harassment or assault? This implies that any sexual advance is per se tainted with bad intention, and I disagree. Man or woman can be interested, man or woman can reject, both can move on.

By chalking up all awful evenings and uncomfortable encounters to #MeToo, even where there’s no intimidation or unequal power structure, we run the danger of diluting the campaign to name and shame the real predators out there. I believe this is what Catherine Deneuve and Brigitte Bardot are trying to say, however clumsily.

There’s a different crusade to fight — figuring out why a Grace could not call it off earlier or why women often feel powerless to resist even when safe. The most likely explanation is that women are indoctrinated to please, to fear rejection if we refuse sex. And men are programmed to bully and push. As part of our overall fight, whether to dress how we want or own public spaces, we also have to fight our primeval need to court approval. Learn to resist bullying and guilt trips.

We must internalise that it’s okay to turn down a boyfriend or husband’s demand for sex or a particular sexual act. If the man rejects you, it’s fine to move on. We have fought for agency, let’s use it. The more they are turned down, the more men will learn to stop pushing.

Dating has an in-built semiosis, it’s a sort of mating dance, if you will. Flirtatious texts, a dinner, a drink, physical contact ranging from a casual brushing against skin to an arm around the waist. These are signs anxiously and endlessly read by both parties.

But signs can be misread. Sometimes the arm is just friendly and not amorous. Sometimes, the ‘afterwards’ is not perfect. Maybe the guy slobbers. Maybe she gets cold feet. The woman has the right to call it off anytime, even if it’s the bedroom stage. The man may stop gracefully or may keep kissing or persuade because it takes time to register rejection after acceptance. But if the evening ends with the woman able to say no, it’s still victory.

Men-women encounters are too nuanced, too complicated by emotions, desires and conflicting needs to slot easily into black and white. To be human is to negotiate this.

Where the writer tries to make sense of society with seven hundred words and a bit of snark.

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