We live in a fast-paced world where impressions are formed and altered in nano-seconds; relationships are made and broken in the blink of an eye. Despite living in a world of instant gratification, society still has an ambivalent, almost regressive, attitude towards women who are unashamedly single, unapologetically independent. Of course, there is sheer astonishment when these women also have the temerity to reject motherhood!
As Sheena, a 50-year-old successful lawyer, says, “I refuse to be judged or allow myself to be compromised on the way I choose to live my life.” Sujatha, a doctor whose marriage broke up because she didn’t want children, adds, “Life’s decisions have not been taken lightly.”
Talking to these women, one can see that it has not been easy. It is not as if one was always pro-singledom or anti-motherhood. “Circumstances,” admits Sheena, “brought about these changes.”
Fifty is an incredibly dynamic age. Most women told me that they thought of their lives in two distinct phases — the pre-50 and the post-50 years. Despite what everyone says the fifties are both scary and liberating. It is a time of mixed emotions that coalesce into a definite frame of mind. Being honest and confronting one’s inner self seems to be at the top of the list.
Mina, a university lecturer, acknowledges that one is alone at what she calls ‘the pyramid’ and that the road was plagued by doubts and questions and self-confidence issues. Each decade has been monumentally different. The biggest difference is the sheer self-confidence and comfort level within oneself. Before that, one was still dealing with the ‘may be’ and ‘what if’. In a sense one has laid that to rest. Inner strength is a reserve one calls upon frequently because it takes a strong mind and complete conviction to face the critical questions and uninformed prejudices.
Apart from being brave, the intellectual growth is amazing. According to Esha, an enthusiastic yoga instructor, “My body and mind were always in tandem but now, more than ever, I am also fearless. One had to let go of inhibitions that held me back from being truly free.” An interesting notion was how she viewed her body and referred to it as her partner in crime. “While the body has changed, the mind has grown and expanded.” Kiran, another yoga enthusiast and entrepreneur, agrees, “The change is profound.”
The physical transformations are essentially of the same person but the mind has become someone else. The body now holds the ever-expanding brain, which becomes fuller with more information and memories. Ironically, “it is the brain that pushes me to travel and experience new things, not my body,” says Madhu, a 53-year-old journalist, who travels in search of stories. “Today, we accept that our bodies are the way they are. In our youth our bodies were our weapons and we used it as a power tool.”
Almost all these women acknowledge that they are well past child-bearing age. Most have accepted it and moved on. Some are wistful at losing a chance at a different type of life, while still being realistic. Anjana says, “It is something I would have liked but, as a single person, I would not have been able to cope on my own. So ultimately it’s a choice one makes but not without regret.” She derives fulfilment working with children but insists she made the right choice to not have one of her own.
One grouse these women have is that men view women past the child-bearing age in a very different light. They feel that because they can no longer have children the person has also withered. Anjana finds men can’t seem to get beyond the chronological number and see the real person. “For them we are just a number and almost invisible.” If the woman also happens to be financially secure, it seems to emasculate them further.
Sheena finds that dating has changed. She can no longer suffer being with someone boring. “It’s too much of an effort to be someone I am not. Now, I’d rather be by myself and go out alone and enjoy my own company.”
Rejuvenation is a word that comes up a lot when talking to this age group. Madhu is candid. “I would look in the mirror and hated everything I saw. Each line on my face or extra roll on my body made me angry. But now, when I see myself, the future looks promising.”
At fifty there is an infiniteness and vastness ahead that one is excited about. These women are not apprehensive. No longer do they have to balance themselves this way or that. “I can let go of the past and live my life differently if I wish. I have more hope than I have ever had in my life,” says an excited Meera, who after staying in a marriage for 25 years left her husband knowing that, at 50, she would start all over again.
Fifty seems to be a defining age. On the cusp of 50, Madhu feels she understands ‘it’ completely. “At 40 we are still considered youngish; at 60 we are kind of old.” The fifties, on the other hand, seem to be exciting and progressive.
