‘Masterchef Australia' is a TV reality show that concluded recently. The show had the culinary talent of the participants on display. As stages progressed the challenges were tougher and the pressure higher. There were three judges who would look at the dishes on display and taste them. Thereafter, decisions to qualify or eliminate an aspirant would be made. In a particular episode, there was a close contest between two participants. The judges declared the winner mentioning that while both dishes scored same points for ‘taste', the winning dish had an edge on the ‘plating' part. It had been displayed and served in a distinctly better way.
These two words struck a chord with me as these are equally important concepts in ‘communication' and ‘relationships'. “What one says” (the content/cooking) is important. But “how one says it” (the form/plating and serving) is equally important for beneficial interactions.
In reality shows, in the case of an aspirant who has given an average performance, different judges would come up with similar points as feedback. The way they share it with the aspirant could vary substantially. Downright ridicule focusing on the negatives, bordering on personal affront, can make the aspirant (and the viewer) squirm. The participant would more likely be affected by the humiliation in front of a ‘worldwide audience' and breakdown rather than focus on the learning points. Indulgent flattery talking only of the highlights can seem unreal, giving the participant a false sense of comfort. A balanced feedback would talk of the positives and then the points for improvement. It would simultaneously pat the aspirant and motivate him to improve his performance with some expert guidance on how to get there.
The form one chooses to communicate his content includes the choice of words, the structure and flow of the conversation, the tone, the intonation and even the body language. The form could vary depending on the person to whom we need to talk to, our relationship with him, the context, the intention and the desired result. The form is powerful: it can soothe and comfort at one end of the spectrum or shred and mince at the other. In real life too, most of our meaningful communication has a context and therefore an intended consequence that we expect from it. It is the form in which the context is communicated that decides the consequence rather than the context itself. Whether an appreciation comes across as sincere or an acknowledgement as genuine depends more on how it is said rather than what is said.
So would the ‘plating and serving' decide the earnestness of a regret expressed, the dependability of a pardon granted, the legitimacy of a help sought, the spontaneity of an assistance extended, the seriousness of an instruction given, the authenticity of an advice made, the fairness of a feedback received, the justness of a stand taken and the honesty of well meant wishes. Many times, when the desired result doesn't happen after an interaction, an introspection of the ‘form' of the communication could give us clues rather than the ‘content' itself.
Amongst two doctors who are equally competent in their subject knowledge, a patient's family would easily relate to the one who is able to present the details to them in simple language with patience and empathy. It is the “how” of the communication which gives the reassurance and comforts them in this situation.
Sometimes, the form remains and the content is lost in conversations. An overdose of emotion in expression, be it anger or distress; Sarcasm, trying to parade as wit;
Condescending or patronizing tones can all be complete put offs which could detract the listener from the main content of communication.
While ‘communication' is the life blood of all our relationships, most of us are not exposed to learning the nuances formally. We go by what we have picked up along the way or just by what our temperament allows us to be. Words could flow from the depth of truth and make up the content; however, it needs practice to spontaneously frame the appropriate form for the context to serve the purpose.
Cooking well is something that many may be comfortable with. However plating and serving well is a skill that may need to be honed. Perfecting that art can see us reach the ‘Relationships Bank', smiling all the way.
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