There are many things that man is capable of. Left to our devices, we can achieve almost anything, from running a blazing fast sub-four minute mile to slowing down the ageing process, from diving into the depths of the oceans to rocketing into space. I am not just pulling these examples out of a hat, well not literally, but we all agree that there are people in the world who can or have had the pride and ability to write these things on their curriculum vitae, not as a boast but as a humble reminder of how... OK, maybe it’s a boast. Humility is for the weak, as I have always clarified; the powerful can spray their scent on anything and anywhere. That’s how I got fined for public littering.
But what have the rest of us done? By rest of us, I mean you. I am Sri Sri Maganji and I am sowing the seeds of what will become a major spiritual movement, or a spirited motion, depending on whether it’s a weekend or not. I have a huge following even if all of them don’t know it yet. And if I had to write a curriculum vitae, humility would have no place there. My many achievements are a high for humanity at large and it would be sin to not share them forth. Here then are a few things that, I think, hold muster to go on a CV but still haven’t.
1. Running the perfect hot water bath: I am pretty much the Goldilocks of baths; neither too hot, nor too cold. I run them just so that you can spend a lazy 10 minutes in there. I feel this is a breakthrough in ‘intuitive sciences’ but since that isn’t a recognised field of study, I believe we’ll have to start by acknowledging this breakthrough discovery of a new stream of study first.
2. Approaching red lights so that they turn green: So strong is my spiritual manifest that sometimes even I start believing in it. It happens most when I am driving up to a red light and it turns green; it’s as if in that moment the universe is conspiring with me and anything else I could ask for would simply and instantly fall into my lap. (So far, nothing.)
3. Holiday packing: Packing clothes for a vacation is a lot like marriage, only much later do you realise that you didn’t plan well for it but by then it’s too late. Thankfully, when vacations end you still have your own house to come back to. Now imagine if someone had perfected the art of packing for a vacation in such a manner that each garment got worn precisely once. No need for a laundry run, no burden of extra clothes to be carried back and forth for no reason. Wouldn’t that just be the most efficient person ever? Why, thank you.
4. Flight booking sensei: I know what a heart attack may feel like because every time I sit down to book flights for our next vacation, I feel that vague sense of left upper arm grippy-ness happening. Because, as per possible itineraries, the kind that fit into the time frames and costs, either one will have to sprint like Bolt to make the connection or else one shall live at the airport à la Tom ‘The Terminal’ Hanks before the next flight takes off sometime in the unsure future. Well, my secret power, if I could have one, would be one that lets me pick the most time-efficient travel connections, flights which don’t coast a kidney, nor involve an inconvenient period of wait.
Now I understand that these are all ‘achievements’ only if one were to relax the definition of the word itself. Maybe even retire it entirely. They may never make it to a CV, or worse still, be seen as value-adds, but to me, they are important. I have perfected these arts, and many more. Like how I can watch Netflix and type out an entire article at the same time. It’s not as if my reader is smart enough to be able to tell.
Not even now.
See…
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.
