A patriot’s job is never done. Last week, fresh out of a soul-elevating Ayurvedic colonic, I came across a news item about a diabolical, patently anti-Indian study which placed our country, can you believe it, among the laziest nations in the world.
And, of all places, this study was conducted at Stanford, a university I had respect for till now. (Even though it is miles away from the Sri Venkateswara Temple, Pittsburgh, the only place worth visiting in the US.)
But that’s all over. I have ordered my nephew who is studying there to come back immediately. He wrote back saying he didn’t know who I was but that’s another story.
While I wondered how to control my outrage, and forwarded this article to the WhatsApp group I administer, ‘Besant Nagar Bombastic Bhadra Bharat Bullfighters’, Truecaller – an app with over 250 million users – came to my immediate rescue.
According to their research, India is the country in which you receive the largest number of spam calls. Now we’re talking.
Lazy, eh? So who’s lazy now, Stanford? Who do you think is making these calls?
Tireless, swachch -Bharat, never-say-die, gau -loving Indians, working day and night, who else!
That apart, here are reasons why you are so, so wrong, Stanford:
Did you see the queues for our recently released blockbuster, Baahubali 2 ? Who are those people? Foreigners, you say? Not one! They were all our young men, and a few brave women. All Indians. See how they stood in lines for days. Even in your California. You call that lazy?
And what about our anti-Romeo squads, huh? Tell me, Stanford. No words now, right? Look at them. How tirelessly they work. At parks, beaches and outside colleges – good colleges, I’ll have you know – which take capitation and do honourable work unlike your institution that wants to cast aspersions on our work ethic. You think keeping the fabric of Indian culture laundered and pristine can be achieved if one is lazy?
Let’s come to social media next. Have you seen us on Facebook? When our kids stand fourth in a class of three, when someone we don’t know from Adam dies, when someone needs O+ blood in Gurgaon in 2013 and we are in Anantapur in 2017 – who is there on it like a flash? Us. My countrymen, countrywomen and countrychildren, that’s who.
Does that look lazy to you, Stanford?
Okay, how about our internet social commentators? Wrongly called ‘trolls’ by Western Powers like you. Go on, we challenge you. Put up a post we don’t agree with. Within nanoseconds, our ever-diligent citizens will bring up your mother or sister. Or both. In situations you cannot imagine. How’s that for response time? You call that lazy?
And what about our workforce? Do you know how industrious it is? Let me give you an example. When I’m stretched across my bed dividing my time between sending patriotic forwards and watching Bigg Boss , if I can’t reach my remote, all I have to do is say ‘Anyone there?’ in my softest, most intimidating tone. Three seconds flat, my remote is handed to me by my Man Shukravaar, Dharman. Is that indicative of a lazy nation? Huh?
Let’s come to the case-closing point. Who do you think invented Stanford University?
Learn your history, murkh . According to our ancient books, it was the learned sage Stanaphordananda of Thiruvallur. We have proof that in Ttreta Yugam he teleported himself to distant Kalapoorniya and set up a school to mass-produce Sanjeevini Aushadam using peyote.
First, you fellows steal our stuff. Then you abuse us.
Take Patanjali pills and cure yourself, you gnana shoonyams .
As we speak, Lovely Professional University is conducting a study to, er, prove you are all, well, silly fellows.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist, humour writer and co-editor of the anthology Madras on My Mind: A City in Stories.
