Ho ho ho, you’ve reached Santa IVR.
Press 1 if you wanted IVF instead. We don’t provide babies.
Press 2 if you want to send a politician to the North Pole. Our polar bears are exceptionally hungry.
Press 3 to enter a gift request.
That is not a valid gift request. Though I would like that, too. Please try again.
That gift is not in stock. That gift cannot be delivered by reindeer. They may eat it up. That gift is broken/frozen/illegal/expired...
Thank you for your 23rd attempt. Your gift request for ‘I don’t @#$## care’ is available. It is our best-selling item.
Please enter your password.
Press 7 if your kid changed your password and locked you out of your own account. Again.
To validate your transaction, type in your date of birth.
You liar! I’ve been giving you gifts for 37 years, you can’t be 32.
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What? You still use that bank? Sponsored ad: Free credit card in three days!
Enter the name and relationship of the person to whom your gift will go.
Error #420: the name of your registered wife does not match.
To authenticate this transaction, provide the first four digits of your anniversary date.
Ho ho ho – got you there! You have absolutely no clue, do you? You had better double the gift value for your wife, to make up.
Thank you for your gift request. Your request ID is (nine minutes of ‘Jingle Bells’).
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I’m sorry. Your gift is not on its way. Your request has been denied because you have not linked your Aadhar card to this account.
Please note that hitting all the keys on your keyboard will not solve the problem.
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Re-enter all the information above in triplicate. Enter your PAN number, longitude, latitude, altitude, number of dental cavities and your parrot’s maiden name. Put both thumbs on your phone screen to match your biometrics. Oh, you dropped your phone.
Press 1 for whichever language you’re cursing in.
Press 2 to re-enter the information.
I’m sorry, your request timed out. Your gift request is very valuable to us, please try again next Christmas.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.
