Dear Sir,
This is with regard to the vacuum cleaner I bought from your website under a 100% warranty, full return policy. It does not work.
Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you for your mail. I will forward your mail to the concerned department who will get in touch with you.
Dear Sir,
Clearly none of your concerned departments are concerned about me or my vacuum cleaner. After four days, no one has called me.
Dear Valued Customer,
Our executives are extremely busy attending to other Valued Customers. Please tell me how I may assist you.
Dear Sir,
My vacuum cleaner does not work. The vacuum cleaner does not vacuum or clean. In fact, after plugging it in, there is silence that a morgue would be proud of.
Dear Valued Customer,
Did you switch it on?
Dear Sir,
Of course I did. It also has a long handle-stick which will not fit into the part it is supposed to, so how am I supposed to move it around?
Dear Valued Customer,
There are clearly marked Parts 1, 2 and going up to Part 47. Which part are you pushing the stick into?
Dear Sir,
I know, at this point, where I’d love to push the stick. However, I am following the diagram on your website and IT DOES NOT FREAKING FIT. It is a worthless piece of #@@$#! Please have it replaced immediately, according to your full-return policy, or fully return my money.
Dear Valued Customer,
According to Clause 23 (ix) in our Returns Policy on the website, you will notice that ‘#@@$#’ is not a valid complaint or part name. I am sorry to be unable to help you. Please enjoy your appliance. Have a good day.
Dear Sir,
I cannot have a good day with dust clouds floating around me. My new vacuum cleaner, however, is having a very good day since it does not ever expect to work. It has put its feet up and will soon call in a masseur. I have guests coming over soon. I appeal to your human side. Please connect me to your highest authority.
Dear Valued Customer,
We employ the highest artificial intelligence. Our vacuum cleaners can even sense when anything is over heated. Is it?
Dear Sir,
Yes. Its owner is overheating. And beginning to believe that your intelligence is indeed artificial, and furthermore, completely fake. I demand you replace this vacuum cleaner immediately. This really sucks!
Dear Valued Customer,
That is exactly what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do. Thank you for confirming that it is in working order. We will take this complaint as satisfactorily closed.
Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After , talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks.
