“A third of all marriages in the West end in divorce. And there has been an increase in divorce rates in India over the years — six per thousand in 2001 and 8.3 per thousand in 2011,” says Vijay Nagaswami, psychiatrist and author of the book To D or not to D? Working towards an amicable divorce . The crowd sits solemn, soaking in the unfortunate truth. “Many ask me if divorce is a good or bad thing, as if I am the sanctioning authority,” he laughs. “While I would wish everyone a long and happy married life, I do feel that there are cases where the couple is better off separated. It’s not necessarily always a breakdown of a relationship, but more, a breakthrough,” he adds, in a conversation with lawyer and women’s rights activist Geetha Ramaseshan at the Madras Book Club Talk.
Vijay’s book explores why and how the word ‘divorce’ became a taboo. “Marriage started off as a system to protect a family. It later evolved as a contract between two kingdoms. When the concept of religion entered, it just became harder to get off from the legal construct. Indians began to say: ‘It is not part of our culture’,” he says. According to him, the way the whole process is carried out is highly acrimonious — a thought that Geetha subscribes to. “The intention of the law is to make it difficult (a couple can file for divorce only one year after marriage). At court, it is about fault finding, whether there have been cases of cruelty, adultery and so on. It’s all about evidence and cross-examination. The language used at the court is not of the person’s but the lawyer’s,” she says.
Overall, it’s a long, hostile legal process. And Vijay’s book aims to make it simpler by talking about the importance of mediation between the two parties, how to cope with the situation post divorce, and how to make the transition easy for children who are the most traumatised in the process. Vijay says, “Today, youngsters are not as tolerantas they were in the past, and know it better than to suffer an acerbic relationship. Meanwhile, there is always a fear of not getting remarried. For example, I came across this advertisement a few days ago: Innocent divorcee seeks alliance. The word innocent is their way of saying ‘It’s not my fault!”
Highlights from the talk
* Only 20 per cent of divorces are mutual, the rest are bitter
* If the two parties do not come together to resolve their differences, the trial may take a minimum of four years to complete, sometimes even eight.
* The best way to make the divorce less acrimonious is to involve mediators and child psychologists.
* A common reason why couples file for divorce is the non-disclosure of certain truths that are revealed later.
* Today, there are many cases of senior citizens filing for divorce after they are relieved of the responsibilities of taking care of their children.
This article has been corrected for a factual error.
