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Updated: January 23, 2013 18:59 IST

Made in heaven?

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MAKE IT LAST: It takes hard work to build a relationship
MAKE IT LAST: It takes hard work to build a relationship

What causes marital disharmony? When should a couple seek counselling?

Is tolerance on the decline or is our threshold to endure frustration getting lower? Is our life too fast-paced and our schedules so packed that we cannot understand the meaning of compromise and caring ?

Nuclear families are so common that a youngster commented, “I live in a joint family, my husband stays with me.” It is very common nowadays for a couple to work in different places and meet only during the weekend.

Why is incompatibility among couples a growing phenomenon these days?

* A break-up can take place as early as two years or as late as 20 years after marriage.

* In the beginning, disagreements surface and this can later lead to hurtful fights.

* It ruins intimacy and causes emotional trauma.

* A marriage would have started on a happy note (even after a long engagement, or a long period of courtship), but may have begun to sour, without the couple even realising it. Though the couple try their ‘best to make the relationship work’, the rift widens and they split up.

The danger signal

When do we know that a relationship is not working?

* Arguments and misunderstanding become frequent.

* It is not what is said to each other but how and when it is said.

The outcome? As individuals, their personal and professional life suffers. They are always irritable at home and, at work, fail to meet goals and deadlines.

* They lose focus and are unable to engage themselves in activities they usually enjoy.

* Giving each other the silent treatment — not finding any subject to converse about rather than it leading to an argument.

*Avoiding physical intimacy and losing interest in it altogether.

* Sex deprivation leads to frustration.

* Both partners lose their self-esteem.

* Sometimes one of them may be involved in an extra-marital affair (if this is not the reason for the misunderstanding).

* Interpersonal relationships with family and friends are affected.

* The bad marriage causes emotional scars and trauma.

* The breakdown of marital ties has a negative bearing on the children's emotional, physical, cognitive and intellectual development.

* The couple suffer depression and anxiety.

* Eventually, they separate or divorce.

Meet a councillor when…

* When arguments turn into bitter ‘fights’.

* When communication becomes rare or nil.

* The element of romance disappears and physical relationship is affected.

* In early marriage, when there is disagreement about when to have children and how they should be raised.

* Each spouse feels he/she is taken for granted and unloved.

* There are more than two people in the marriage.

* Each spouse feels suffocated and the need for personal space increases.

* It seems to be a ‘conditional relationship’. You are afraid of your spouse because of emotional blackmail, threats, etc.

* When you're unhappy in the marriage, but do not know what caused it and only feel there is something missing in the relationship.

I believe a happy fit or a marriage to be back on track require a tinge of fortune.
We took a service of a marriage councillor in Bangalore. She definitely helped us ease the intensity of problems, but did not identify the root cause. She identified the pattern of how the problems arose and the excercises to solve. But I was not fully satisfied as there was something deep that caused the ripples and it remained unidentified. I am not against Professional Marriage councilling and is definitely better than the relatives or religious people donning that role.

from:  Rajesh
Posted on: Jan 23, 2013 at 16:30 IST

it's kurion The one and only reason is that, we Indians are
willfully forgetting to respect each and everything living, dead, and
truth! And I myself are compromising ideals to evil around us. We have
to rediscover our spine which had been plundered for centuries by
invasion, invasion of our minds and souls.

from:  praveen singh
Posted on: Jan 23, 2013 at 10:54 IST

yes , you all are right on your point, the danger signals may help us to
come to know the time when we should take help from the councillor...

from:  praveen singh
Posted on: Jan 23, 2013 at 10:48 IST

I agree with Sailaja Kollabathula that men and women must be educated about their roles and responsibilities before marriage.
I just want to add one more point to it.

"Irrespective of sex,education,class,caste,colour or inability, one should say his/her Sexual Orientation and Physical Inability in sex to the would be spouse/common law partner". One who is willing to accept will come forward and the married life would be a blessing for them, family member & society at large.

from:  Kiran Kumar Kollabathula
Posted on: Jan 22, 2013 at 22:55 IST

I want to save this article for my future marriage life, i wish it will be all FINE !!!!

from:  Ravi Kumar
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 19:00 IST

Some times it is the parents take bigger role in this kind of situation then the actual couple (even they don't even allow the couples to sit and talk in some cases). Even if the couple wants to join, it is their parents make a rift widen. so it is the anger, egos and the parents take a bigger role then the actual problem happened. once a divorce case is filed against a person, others tend to see the respondent guilty without seeing the truth. No one is there to help in solving the problem, everyone run away since a divorce case is filed. Thus when it comes to counselling it should be for both the couple and the parents because even if the couple wants to join their parents stands like a wall in between due to egos and anger.

from:  Srivatsan
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 15:20 IST

Indian marriages are a mixture of many things it is more than a couple who involve in the relation but there are many caluculations which come in to picture before marrying like dowry, money,property etc..from both directions.

Above all Love & Affection should play a crucial role in deciding the Relation And a Strong commitment to abide to the marriage in all situations.
Before marriage the couple should be educated about the responsible roles they need to play after marriage in building a family.

I have seen many marriages where they are done for the sake of society or to complete parents pending task which is giving a way to Gays,Impotent a chance to come into Marriage system and spoiling the girls life and redefining our indian family system.

from:  sailaja kollabthula
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 15:10 IST

yes Mr JAISHRI RAMAKRISHNAN, has pointed the danger signal which will help the couples to rethink theier relationship. And it will do good for the society, because it must saved few relationship.

from:  Sunil Kumar Singh
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 14:18 IST

The one and only reason is that, we Indians are willfully forgetting to respect each and everything living, dead, and truth! And I myself are compromising ideals to evil around us. We have to rediscover our spine which had been plundered for centuries by invasion, invasion of our minds and souls.

from:  Martin Kurian
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 14:15 IST

rofl!! nice one !!

from:  venkatesh
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 13:57 IST

I am not sure how a councillor can help in this case, given that its a
personal matter. A counsellor would be a better option.

from:  Sharath Ram Santhanam
Posted on: Jan 21, 2013 at 08:11 IST
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