If you're not on a diet of some sort, it's pretty tough to hold your head up in the cocktail circuit. The key to standing out is to be different. While you must — of course — be well-versed in the history of the Diet Movement (from South Beach to Zone), it pays to do some mixing and matching to find something that's completely unique. After all, you wouldn't wear off-the-rack fashion, right? Think of this as diet couture.

Once you have the principals in place, it's only a question of adding ingredients. They must be expensive. Sure, coconut water is a powerhouse of nutrients. But it's also so — yawn — accessible. Remember at all times, foods found on the side of the road cause no ripples. You might as well eat bananas like those unimaginative colleagues of yours. Instead, insists on Noni juice from the Pacific Island, Goji berries from China, Acai flown in from the Amazon… The more inconvenient the better. It's a bonus if you can claim they were hand-picked by monkeys and then transported by tribal war lords. A little drama goes a long way in health junkie one-upmanship.

Some people like trying new restaurants, some like travelling, some like wine. You must dedicate your life for signing up at every swanky gym, health clubs, yoga studio and pilates class in town. Don't forget to also pay for dancercise, aerobics and a couple of chic martial art classes, just to add variety. Don't worry. You don't actually need to go to any of these places regularly. Just flash your memberships and drop names of personal trainers. Pretend to have sore muscles once in a way. They're a great excuse to sign up for an annual spa membership.

Develop food allergies. Or, at least challenging eating patterns. If your body doesn't have the decency to be gluten or lactose intolerant, and you're not that good at faking it, start a whole new crusade. Become a vegan. Or, start preaching about raw food. To be a passionate health nut, you must remember to be positively annoyingly evangelistic about it. If possible, carry a PowerPoint presentation with you and show it at any opportunity. Go to restaurants and hover around happy diners like the Angel of Death, telling frightening stories about clogged arteries and gasping dramatically every time they lift their fork.

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