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Updated: May 21, 2014 16:40 IST

How to … annoy your colleagues

Shonali Muthalaly
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Lady Gaga never fails...
AFP Lady Gaga never fails...

Lady Gaga never fails. Crank up the volume on your cell phone (it helps if it has all the clarity of a pug wheezing) and join in — loudly and untunefully. Let's sing together now, “You know that I love you boy. Hot like Mexico, rejoice...” When you reach the chorus, flail your hands and put on an obviously fake, breathy Italian accent, “Don't call my name. Don't call my name, Alejandro”.

Channel the dementors. As Harry Potter can attest, there's nothing like a dark, brooding, joy-sucking cloud to keep people on their toes. Stomp in at least once a week in a raging temper. Answer questions with snappy sarcasm till everyone around you wilts. Reply to all terrified explanations with, “So?”

Be a diva. Wear flashy sunglasses to work and refuse to take them off inside the office. So what if you can't see much. You can't possibly be expected to type — it would ruin your manicure. Leave for lunch at 11.30 a.m. and return by 4 p.m. for coffee. What! They don't have a cappuccino machine? Well, then you can't be blamed for leaving early. Especially when you know your hair stylist serves great coffee.

Make friends with the rowdy bunch (every office has some of those) and then get them embroiled in boisterous games that involve a lot of movement and shrieking. Chair races are a good bet, especially in these days of ergonomic sliding office furniture. Don't forget to knock over lunch boxes of boring office stooges as you whiz past.

Corner defenceless people and tell them long, complicated, boring stories. Make sure these tales are as pointless as they are endless. Random pseudo-Greek mythology works; the darker it is the better. But if you're short on creativity, settle for a blow-by-blow description of your last facial. Extra points for violent gesturing and frightening expressions.

Keywords: work relations

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