If you haven’t noticed already, in today’s day and age, the competition to be the “favourite parent”, “chilled out mom” or “cool dad” has reached an all time high. And while trying to be their child’s peer, today’s parent is somehow losing out on being a parent! Where does one draw the line?
Can a parent be a friend? Is it okay for a parent to turn their child into a pseudo-adult companion? MetroPlus seeks answers from the experts.
According to life skills consultant, Nithin Shankar, “It’s unfortunate that the new-age parent who is tech savvy, works late hours and who buys his child electronic gadgets much before he can learn the English alphabet, has forgotten that parents play an emotional as well as a functional role in their children’s lives. Exercising one without the other is dangerous. When they are younger, the emotional role is far more observable, but as children get older, it is necessary for parents to take on a functional role without of course sidelining the emotional one.”
He explains: “The functional role of a parent increases as the child grows. So while for a baby, it would call for feeding, changing diapers, and baby-proofing the house, when the child goes to school, it involves getting him to do his homework, making him study for tests, meeting his teachers, etc. And of course, by the time he gets to college, it might involve setting curfews. For parents who refuse to believe it, all of this can be done without turning into a dictator of a parent!”
One of the biggest mistakes parents make trying to be their children’s friend is not just empathising with them but supporting them when the school sends home reports of the child’s misbehaviour as well as discussing adult issues.
“When my son told me a teacher was bad or biased, I never discouraged him from blaming them for his poor performance and bad behaviour. By the time he went to college, he had stopped respecting any authority, including his father, and that created a rift in our marriage. My son soon got into bad company and his life came to a standstill. When I tried correcting him then, it didn’t work. It was too late and he would call me a hypocrite. I am only fortunate that one of his old teachers counselled him on a weekly basis that I can now see him slowly changing for the better,” says homemaker Shilpa (name changed).
Parents often try being friends with their children because they don’t wish to be the kind of parents their parents were to them.
In Psychology, this is referred to as reaction formation. “I grew up under very authoritative parents and was even sent to boarding school when I turned 13. My parents were hardly approachableWhen I became a father, I decided I wouldn’t be that kind of a parent and have always strived to be a friend to both my children. But when I had to discipline them, I haven’t held back. I think it’s important for parents to set defined roles within the family unit and especially in the formative years. Once a child is able to understand that he/she is being disciplined out of the love you have for them, when they grow up, they come to be more open with you and then it’s not difficult being a parent and a friend according to what the context demands of you,” says Akash Dikshit, an advertising professional.
From all of this, striking the right balance is the only way ahead. Shireen Sait, a school counsellor, states: “I’ve had a lot of single parents come to me for counselling and tell me the only friends they’ve got are their own children, who in some cases, have even come to live irresponsibly but get away with being ‘truthful’ to their parent about the things they do, which in turn makes the parent feel his/her role as a friend is more important than that of a parent. The truth is when you make your ten-year-old your confidante; you are making him/her a co-decision maker, which realistically, is not how parent and child can function effectively. Boundaries must be set. Lines must be drawn. That said, there are so many things you can share with your child without turning him/her into a confidante. It is possible to be a parent and be a loving, caring and responsible one at that. You can develop a responsible friendship with your child because that also involves being a responsible parent.”
