When Mr. Nouveau Riche took a lesson in living the luxe life king size at the CEO Lifestyle Show 2010

Yes, I'll have that yacht — the one Salman Khan has, with the exact upholstery he chose. Even if it was purple and yellow. Let's check out that Rolls Royce Phantom, all 21 feet by 6.5 feet of it. Yes, yes, I know how Bangalore's roads are. Six Bangaloreans own it anyway. I wannabe in that Big Boys' club. Who said I'll drive it in the city? Four-and-half crore? No problem bhai, chalta hai. Let it roll, for heaven's sake!

Where am I? At the CEO Lifestyle Show 2010, organised by Eyeball Media in Whitefield, yaar. You missed it?! Tch, Tch. That had my eyeballs popping. But don't worry I'm sure they're saying “We'll be back” next year. This is the city with all the money and money-makers, you know. You should have seen that shiny, shiny black Phantom. I wept. Such a thing of beauty and power. The King of Good Times isn't the only boy who can have all the toys, you know. I have my right to my yacht parties on my own yacht and my power drive in my own cocooned indulgence. I'm loaded, you know.

Pump up the volume

So what else is here…let me see…what? Pump sets? But this is not an agri show. I get it: these pumps that won't let my basement flood! Uff, next. Hmm property…villa, duplex, green home…been there, done all that. One can never really have too much of it anyway. Always the best of investments. But not today. Today's not a good day to talk property. Now what's this? Italian coffee machine for my farmhouse. Italian? Hmm…impressive. Italians make good coffee, no? Nah, but my personal butler will take care of that. Taylormade Adidas golf club kit…I've already ticked that off my list. What's this? Buy one get one T-shirt free? Hmm, no, that'll look bad if I buy here, no?

Haiyya! I almost forgot. Must pick up something for the missus. Ah! Jewellery, of course, of course. Nothing like diamonds to bring on that 1,000-carat smile. GRT Jewellers Chennai. Good idea. And right in time for Akshay Tritiya. Let me see…earrings, necklace, contemporary design…and what's this? Black shiny Apple iPhone rimmed with 400 diamonds. Purrrfect gift for myself. Wanted an iPhone anyway. If it comes with diamonds, all the better. Will look good in my Armani pocket. And yes, I'll have that diamond set for the missus too, that one with those pretty flowers-and-all design.

Life's right on track

What's this? Track and Trail. Italian cycle. Oho, I see. Why is everything Italian today? Coffee? Cycle? Haan, tell me more about it, bhai. I've always envied that MD in my gated community who cycles to his office in shorts and then changes into suit! Never can understand such losers. Have all the money and you go to your MNC office on a bicycle! But there must be something to it. Or all these young fellows wouldn't be seen like that. What? 21 speeds on this tiny bicycle. Gears also? What did you say? Bianchi? Haha funny name, but nice bike. It's the oldest cycle manufacturing company in the world! Never heard of it.

Okay, so hybrid bikes are hot now…ya ya I know, of course. Tell me your offer price — 60 thousand rupees and special offer Rs. 59,000 only. Wow! One thousand rupee discount also, eh? But show me the best you have, most exclusive. Cannondale handmade bicycle — American — Rs. 85,000 only. But really our roads are bad for bicycles you know…imagine coming under the wheel of a lorry after paying that kind of money. Hmm and what's this? That's a nice kiddie bike with trainer wheels. It'll be nice for my little girl — her birthday is coming around. Only Rs. 7,000. Hmm I'm thinking about it…seriously. This is turning out to be more shopping than I expected to do. Let me think over it as I walk around…why has the secretary not called till now? It can't be that I haven't got calls since I arrived here. Must have taken time off because I'm not there, hmph.

Let's see what have we here… shiny purses, apples, elephants, camels. Will look nice in my house. “Swarovski crystals, sir. By Judith Leiber, as I'm sure you'll know. All the Maharanis carry her clutches.” Nice. Pretty.

But what's that blue elephant sculpture with that golden cone on its back? “That's a Salvador Dali! Original sir!” Oh okay okay, don't look at me like that, lady, how much, just tell me how much. “About Rs. 29 lakh…comes with a certificate confirming it's an original.”

Whatever! Now where are those cars and yachts again…