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Updated: April 20, 2013 17:03 IST
LIGHT ANGLE

Sir Chuck Jadeja Norris

ANANTHA NARAYAN
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From a B-grade action movie star, Chuck Norris became the omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent superhero who could do no wrong. Illustration: Satwik Gade
The Hindu From a B-grade action movie star, Chuck Norris became the omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent superhero who could do no wrong. Illustration: Satwik Gade

Long before the legend of Sir Ravindra Jadeja, there was the chuckle-worthy folklore surrounding Chuck Norris.

It all began in the summer of 2005, when Ian Spector invited people to make up their own fun facts about Chuck Norris for a humour section in his website. Overnight the satirical factoids became e-mail forwards and thus was born the god of all gods.

From a B-grade action movie star, Chuck Norris became the omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent superhero who could do no wrong. Every aspect of his deadpan persona became grist for some rip roaring hyperboles. Here’s a selection of the sparklers that was later recycled as ‘original’ Rajnikant and Sir Jadeja jokes.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone

Violence is an integral part of the Texas Ranger’s charm. Naturally, fans tripped over one another to compose hosannas around his fear factor. That’s how ‘Chuck Norris can hit you so hard, your blood will bleed’, ‘He doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths’, ‘He can make a happy meal cry’ kind of bombast came into being. The impossibility of taking a panga with Chuck was best captured by this punch line: ‘Once a cobra bit his leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.’

Chuck Norris can speak Braille

To create a megastar aura, the protagonist must breach the wall of credulity. Chuck Norris, by definition being larger than larger-than-life, was credited with absurdly jaw-dropping feats to bolster the image of The Amazing One. Which is why we get to hear of accomplishments like: ‘Chuck Norris can delete the recycle bin’, ‘He can make the onions cry’, ‘He can play the violin with a piano’, ‘He can kill two stones with one bird’ and ‘He can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon’!

Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47

Fearlessness is another key element in myth making. Jokesters of the Chuck cult did their bit to perpetuate this misimpression. The story goes that when young Chuck Norris was in middle school his English teacher asked him to pen an essay on ‘What is Courage?’ The little boy thought for a nanosecond, scribbled only his name on the blank answer sheet and submitted that as his piece. The gobsmacked teacher gave him an A+.

Chuck Norris runs on his treadmill until the treadmill gets tired

Incredible physical deeds offer one more valve for generating laughs. Stuff such as ‘Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest’, ‘He once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which was spent on building a snowman at the bottom’, and ‘Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage’ provide clues as to why ‘Superman wears the Chuck Norris suit’.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a Cyclops between the eye

Chuck is an icon among nerds as he offers the perfect algorithm for expressing cerebral wit. So, be it the chemistry laden ‘Chuck Norris doesn’t recognise the periodic table, because the only element he recognises is the element of surprise” or the biological ‘Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live’, or even the very mathematical ‘Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice’, the geek always has the last laugh.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the s**t out of it

Word play is on steroids when the subject is Mr. Norris. ‘The only reason Thor is the god of lightning is because Chuck Norris stole his thunder’ and ‘His daughter lost her virginity, he got it back’ are some samplers that go to prove the adage that ‘Chuck can inject some fun even into a funeral’.

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