A compilation of the most bizarre crimes that makes Sanju’s illegal arms case and Saifu’s blackbuck poaching seem pale in comparison.

If Sanjay Dutt had been born in the U.S, he would have enjoyed the right to keep and bear arms. If Saif Ali Khan had been an Australian, he could have happily hunted deers, on a lark. Had Salman Khan been living in Count Kerry in Ireland, his drunken driving may have been legally sanctioned.

As you can see, crime is, but a point of view. What is outlawed in one nation is perfectly lawful in another. But we happen to live in a country where ‘Liking’ a Facebook post can potentially earn you a prison sentence. So it’s better to be clued into the oddest of ways in which you could sport a pair of handcuffs:

Never stuff a monkey into your pants.

Hamad al-Dhaheri, Mohammed al-Shamsi and Rashid al-Shamsi would have been mistaken for sidekicks from a Ram Gopal Varma movie had it not been for their incredibly stupid idea of smuggling monkeys (slow lorises, to be more specific) using their jocks. These three Einsteins were not aware that when you stuff 7-inch monkeys into your underwear, the bulge is bound to show up during frisking at the airport. Curiously, they went about their monkey business as if they had ants in their pants and, naturally, botched it up. Needless to say, the cops arrested them under the Wildlife Protection Act.

Moral of the story: When you wear a Rupa, it should always be ‘andhar’ and not ‘bandhar ki baat hai’.

Skulduggery can get you behind bars.

Some teenagers in Goa were having trouble, preventing drunkards from gate crashing into their island village. They hit upon a prank to scare away the tipplers. They went to the nearest graveyard, dug out all the skulls that they could manage and decorated the main road with a horrific line up of smiling skulls. The trespassing boozers obviously panicked and dialled 100. Our dear friends were taken into custody for ‘vandalising the graveyard’.

Lesson: If you have a bone to pick with someone, stay away from cemeteries.

Sperm stealing means egg on your face.

A hardworking lab technician in Aurangabad, realising the worthlessness of earnestness, decided to make a quick buck by stealing samples from the Indian Sperm Bank. After pulling off a stunning heist of 101 vials, he contacted a fertility doctor who, in turn, played Brutus and handed him over to the police.

Learning: Men of steal should only trust those who swear by the hypocrite’s oath.

Foot healing on the neck can choke your freedom.

Everyone has a healing technique. Self-proclaimed demi-god Jamun Yadav from Katihar had a unique gift. He could do stunning feats with his feet. Or so he thought. When a lady devotee asked him to cure her child’s cough, innocently, he just put down the baby and stomped all over the kid’s neck. The mom thought he’d gone bonkers. The lawmen concurred. Now Jamun is playing footsie with jailbirds.

Takeout: Heeling ain’t the same as healing.

When in the UAE, a man should not dress up like a woman.

Like many lonely and tongue-tied Indians in Sharjah, Mr. X slipped into a black burqa and headed straight to a park hoping to socialise with some other women there. Just when he accidentally lifted his head scarf to catch a better view of the birds and the bees, an alert lady spotted his moustache. Pandemonium ensued. And our man was despatched to the nearest hell.

Bottomline: Always shave your facial hair before you commit a crime in the Emirates.

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