A retired professor of philosophy visited Europe last summer. One of the package tours he took ended in a steep staircase leading to the top of a famous monument. When he reached the terrace and recovered his breath he realised that he had left his travel kit below. One by one all his fellow tourists turned him away. His shock at being refused water was nearly as painful as his terrible thirst. He grew desperate till a Korean finally handed him a bottle but made it clear that he was doing so reluctantly.“I found out what it was like to have to ask, to beg.”
While this extreme condition of thirst may not hit people above the poverty level in a country which isn’t torn apart by war, one of the great obstacles we face is having to ask for help. Most of us rush to help others but we simply cannot suppress our sense of self sufficiently to ask or plead for our own needs. “Oh,” writes Sockman, “I know how to give. But to receive... a whole other world that I am not nearly as comfortable in.”
Hesitation
Who among us has not had to ask for help at some time and hesitated before seeking it, particularly if it means having to ask someone who is not particularly friendly or open-handed? It might mean asking a subordinate or someone who takes bitter satisfaction in our condition of need. We fear the terrible loss of self-respect we know will follow. The stress is so great that it might even affect one’s sleep and health. Sometimes just asking for advice - which might be reluctantly or sarcastically given - is an extremely difficult act. Probably all of us have just one or two people in our lives whom we can turn to with confidence knowing that they will not think the less of us for asking.
What prevents us from asking? Some of us would rather suffer silently than ask because our self image of ourselves is so brittle. Once damaged we cannot bear to continue the relationship or even face that individual. Then there is the added strain of being reminded that he or she did help and having to be grateful for the rest of our lives. The whole exercise compromises many things we might have believed in or stood for. An extension of this is having to ask on behalf of someone else: a friend, a sibling or a spouse. Humbling situations all.
Exchange of energies
And this is the root of the matter. Asking for help calls for humility. One has to set aside fear of rejection, pride and self-assertion. Shall we for a few minutes forget our professions, our material wealth, our social status and consider the fact of combining energies? After all are we not here together? When I ask for aid I am giving the other a chance to be generous, helpful, thoughtful and a number of positive things. An exchange of energies is the very foundation of all links and interactions even if it is just helping someone to load their luggage in a train, bus or aircraft.
Ask others so that you in turn might be asked for help.
The author is Series Editor, Living in Harmony (Oxford University Press).
