Taken for a ride?

HINDUS BELIEVE that we atone for the sins of the previous birth in the present sojourn of Earth. And you will never endorse this statement more than when your sojourn takes you riding in Chennai's three-legged screaming pain - the auto. The rich have their plush cars and the poor generally search their way through by walking. It is only the poor middle class that is accursed to experience the traumatic auto-ride. Even Chitragupta, the Accountant General above, will probably strike off several colourful sins listed against your poor name if you but once brave it with the abominable dare-devil of the Tamil Nadu Highways - the Chennai auto driver or even dare to sit through a ride in his vahanam. Sorry ma'am, you think you are sitting but actually passers-by find you clutching frantically, kneeling pathetically, bending unyielding, stretching endlessly, crouching pitiably and gasping desperately as the auto driver flies towards your destination.

Whether the brake is present and in working condition is a matter you are not sure of, but what you can be assured of is that the break will be in your back, as you alight from the vehicle (No wonder then that this is called a back-breaking job!) This is one minor health hazard you are exposed to. There are other sorry results that accrue from travelling in autos. As the driver takes you racing and heavenwards, when the top of your scalp meets the roof of the auto, you are aware that the experience is not exactly heavenly. A disc in the back crying for attention quickly slips out of place in the bargain. Many opine that a expectant mother will go into labour when she is "taken for a ride" in an auto.

Once inside the vehicle, you realise that the treacherous villain is the auto meter. It was Malthus who propounded that man multiplies in quick, geometric ratio whereas food production multiplies only in slow, arithmetic ratio. Alas! What term would Malthus have coined, if he had but witnessed this dreaded instrument that records only an upward trend. The reading showing the fare jumps in leaps and bounds and sets your heart pounding. Any cardiologist can be challenged that he cannot record your heart beats accurately with any available, known instrument at that moment!

And while on fares, a sure mention must be made of this atrocity. Earlier if the fare was Rs. 26.20, the driver would round it off (with nobody's permission or sanction of course!) to the nearest whole number and get you to pay Rs. 27 (mind you, you must tender the exact change. But now if the fare is Rs. 21.50 you are asked to pay to the nearest Rs. 30! You (a die-hard fan of the dare- devil actress Vijayashanthi of IPS fame) meekly oblige. If, as bad luck would have it, you bargain for change, daringly refuse to pay or fail to indulge in quick motion for handing out the amount, then you are treated to a volley of abuses.

Another interesting feature to note is the parabola that he describes for you. A parabola, as taught in the geometry class, is a figure in which the sides are ever-widening and never meet.

The autodriver seems to know this in his route map for he will travel nay, fly, or race, and still remain as far away from your place as the beginning, unless you are on constant vigil and hold him in check.

I admit defeat at the autodriver's hand. For the last 50 years, I have been reading and writing English and still have failed to arrive at an English equivalent or the nearest interpretation in the English language of his hot favourite terminology in Tamil (saavu kiraaki!). This fond term escapes his mouth at the mere drop of a hat as it were. It is a crying shame that I am at a loss to retaliate in his dialect!

Another term favoured by its frequent use is "boni" meaning inaugural, I guess! If your nostrils are teased by the agarbattis of a super brand with the aroma of stringed jasmines and your eyes are blended by the glare from the newly laminated full-sized colour snaps of an MGR or Rajnikanth, then you are doomed. You can be sure that the venture cost finds its way into your "boni" fare - he names it and you pay it like a slave of the feudal landlords. If you fail to do so, then what follows is a string of thundering abuses, erupting like a volcano with the Earth quaking under your feet! Of course no devil is all black.

Hence I must mention here that there are a few who care to smile, to charge a reasonable fare, use polite language and even take the trouble to return any left-behind baggages, but what I am trying to say is that they are only a crying minority.

Though you feel you are doomed to auto-travel, on second thought, I think you are groomed by a ride in it to meet, to confront the challenges of life - the real ups and downs along your way.

He takes you at breakneck speed, never halting for anyone, never heeding to anyone, in full concentration, making a noise all along by honking till you have reached your destination in record time.

All said and done, the auto is a very quick means of reaching your destination, if the auto driver really wants to oblige. As he swerves a sharp corner, you cling on to your only life, fully aware of Darwin's survival of the fittest, teaching you to be adjusting, tolerant and patient and the importance of 'live and let live'. Doesn't this necessary evil that has come to stay, equip you better to face life?

THARA MOHAN RAO

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